Welcome back to the Vanderpump Rules reunion, where we are stuck between the drama of last week’s reveal that Katie was resentful of Ariana and next week’s group watch of the last five minutes of the dramatic season finale that makes Ariana cry. The second part of a three-part reunion is always a flop, and this one was no exception. “Friends of” were trotted out, loose ends were tied up for each of our cast members, and truces were declared.
Let’s start with Katie. We pick up right where we left off, in the middle of Lala outing her for complaining about Ariana off-camera. Katie insists that in 11 years, she’s never performed for the fans or the cameras. This is true, but it also means it’s doubly obvious when Katie is lying or trying to cover something up, like she is right now. Ariana attempts to defend her by saying that Katie has always gotten hate from the fans for being who she is, but this only bolsters Lala’s argument that Katie — who became a fan favorite for the first time in her Bravo career because of her allegiance to Ariana — wanted to keep the newfound love going.
In any case, it doesn’t matter. Ariana wouldn’t have minded had Katie brought these concerns to her, because they were valid. Lala agrees that everything Katie said to her was understandable, and that her resentment stems from being “treated like the enemy” and “looked at like I’m crazy” when she brought up concerns that she and Katie had both expressed off-camera. Katie, whose eyes are fixed firmly on her sandwich prize, won’t give an inch, so the whole thing ends in a standstill.
(Also, Brock comes out of nowhere to whack Schwartz by calling him a shitty husband and declaring that Katie’s hesitation to be honest now is wholly due to Schwartz’s destruction of every bit of her confidence during their marriage. Random, but go off, sir.)
We also find out that Katie and Max’s hookup wasn’t a one-night stand; it happened at least twice! The group is gooped and gagged by this revelation (as am I), and it leads to yet another discussion about whether it’s the same as Schwartz’s makeout with Rachel. Truly, who cares? Schwartz mouths at Katie, “we’re the same!” She twinkles back, “No we’re not!” My biggest takeaway is that the Bubbas’ post-divorce banter is lighter and sweeter than at any point they were together. May they stay that way.
Scheana is up next. A montage of the show’s most iconic cheating montages rolls, and Andy asks how she and Schwartz kept their makeout secret for all these years. Scheana replies that it was out of self-preservation — the kiss happened during Tequila Katie’s Reign of Terror, when the Witches of WeHo were trying to push Scheana off the show, so the last thing she was going to do was hand them any more ammo they could use to call her a whore. Fair!
Andy also asks Scheana to substantiate her claims that every man on the show has hit on her, and she treats us to stories about the time James, in the DJ booth at SUR, asked her to “go to the back” and a time Sandoval invited her up to his hotel room and complained to her about his lack of sex with Kristen. Both men deny it, but this is a group of sloppopotamuses that seems to only sleep with each other, so I do not believe them.
Scheana and Ariana hash out their miscommunication during the season. Ariana admits that Scheana’s photo with Sandoval made her uncomfortable, but says she appreciated the perspective Lala brought to her that defending Scheana would be meaningful to her friend and that headlines would be written about it anyway. She doesn’t give a straight answer when asked why she didn’t share her Dancing With the Stars announcement with Scheana considering she broke her NDA for Dan, Logan, and Lisa, and says that she was worried the scrutiny on Scheana would cause a leak. She validates Scheana’s feelings of missing Sandoval, and Scheana finally acknowledges that Ariana was never the person she should have brought those feelings to.
Next, it’s Lala’s turn. She’s celebrating almost five and a half years of sobriety, an impressive feat on its own but even more so when you consider this group’s collective blood alcohol level. Andy asks her why she felt Ariana’s boundaries were unreasonable considering the lines she drew with Randall. I am truly over this false equivalence between a sexual predator with a documented pattern of abusive violence against multiple women who was never part of the show, and a cheater who has been a core part of the cast since day one, and Lala does a decent job explaining this.
She doesn’t do as good a job explaining her confusion with Ariana’s boundaries, though I think I understand what she means. In Lala’s view, Ariana is using the same language that Lala used to describe her situation with Randall, which put both her in physical danger and traumatized her to the point that years later, she still doesn’t feel safe around men, but is moving very differently. She can’t understand how Ariana can be so traumatized by Sandoval that she can never speak to him again or have any mutual friends with him, but can jump into a new relationship days after her life partnership fell apart and still feel safe enough to sleep down the hall from him.
These questions are laden with projection. On Lala’s scale, Scandoval may only have been a 6 out of 10, but it’s clear that to Ariana, it was a 10 out of 10. That said, I too would like the answers to these questions, because at times this season it’s felt like Ariana has cloaked her desire to win against Sandoval in therapy-speak in order to maintain a high ground. From one Cancerian queen to another: There’s nothing wrong with being petty. Just be rill!
Ariana, who is media trained to the gods, refuses to engage with any of this and stays on message, telling Lala she doesn’t need to understand her boundaries, she just needs to respect them. This would be fine in real life, but every single cast member has had to answer intrusive and uncomfortable questions like the ones Lala is asking of Ariana now, and Ariana is paid obscene amounts of money to unpack and explain every feeling she has. If she doesn’t want to, it’s unclear what she is doing on this show.
We also get a random callback to Charli’s comments from last season that Lala “fucked the wrong guy for the money,” which Ariana laughed at in the moment, hurting Lala’s feelings. Ariana is annoyed that Lala brought this up after she already apologized in an unaired scene, but I’m not sure why. Lala is right that if it didn’t air, it didn’t happen for the audience, and as someone who side-eyed Ariana for her silence last year — especially given that her life partner made almost identical remarks — I was glad to see her reflect and acknowledge that she shouldn’t have let the comments slide.
The whole argument ends in another shutdown. Ariana tells Lala, “you always talk louder than everyone and so you’re right.” This is a bit rich coming from someone who admitted at last year’s reunion that she and Sandoval would shout over people in order to win arguments. In any case, I’m not sure how Ariana’s implication that a woman’s communication style undermines her point, squares with her insistence to Brock that there is power in all female emotion. Women’s lib for me but not for thee, I guess.
Then, it’s Schwartz’s turn in the hot seat, vis-a-vis Jo, who is not built for reality television but whose chaotic, unfiltered energy is the vibe I crave for Season 12. (Get on it, Andy.) We get some clarity on the timeline of their cohabitation — Jo spent a grand total of four days crashing on Schwartz’s couch, a far cry from the monthslong roommate situation that was implied to be the source of Katie’s animus toward her last year. Katie says it’s weird that Jo asked to crash with Schwartz instead of her ex-best friend Kristen, and I agree, but I also couldn’t care less. Moving along!
Jo and Schwartz give conflicting stories about the nature of their entanglement. Jo seems to believe they were in a full-fledged relationship in which they said “I love you” to one another, and Schwartz…does not. He calls their connection “magical”, “beautiful while it lasted”, and “lightning in a bottle,” but refuses to acknowledge any deeper involvement.
In the shock of the century, Katie steps in to set Schwartz straight. She takes him to task for breadcrumbing Jo, for giving her the “boyfriend experience” but refusing to commit to her, and for leading her on while knowing Jo had feelings that he did not reciprocate. “You were displaying what we call fuckboy behavior,” she declares, and she’s right.
Schwartz continues to mumble and fumble, and none of it is convincing. “Why can’t he just call it a relationship?” Ariana mutters. “It’s wild to watch you gaslight her and call her your happy place, and you can’t call it a relationship,” Lala agrees. Katie nods, Scheana hands Jo a tissue, and for the first time all season the women of the cast unite behind Jo, who seems floored that she is getting any support at all. Love this for them, and for her.
Even Katie and Jo get some closure. Andy asks about Katie’s social media digs at Jo, in which she joked that she would “light her on fire” and that Jo had “energy on par with a crack head.” Jo immediately bursts into tears, to which I say, buck up, babe. Nothing is even happening right now.
Katie admits that the height of her grudge against Jo was fueled by feelings of isolation and anger toward Schwartz and her castmates, none of whom (save Lala) stood by her last year. “It wasn’t nice or kind, but I was dealing with a lot, and the last thing I needed was…you,” Katie says. “I don’t like a lot of people and I’m not nice to everybody.” Girl, same.
Next, we check in with James and Ally, who contributed nothing to this season but are sitting up on this stage anyway. Andy asks Ally whether she’s changed her mind on marriage, and she jokes that this group do not provide the most inspiring models of relationships. Touché. James has been sober almost a year, and we find out that when Ally left their home with her cats, it was for not just one night but two. “I don’t like him when he drinks,” Ally says. If James were to start drinking again, she says she would leave him. I’ve written extensively about the plethora of domestic violence rumors that have surrounded all of James’ relationships, so all I really have to say here is that I hope Ally is safe and that she stays that way.
James denies Rachel’s allegations that he was physically abusive toward Hippie, née Graham Cracker. Lisa hilariously says that the moment James and Graham reunited, she knew Rachel was lying and that they had a loving relationship. (Cue a clip of Hippie strolling up to James, sniffing his hand, and walking away. Not exactly the stuff of legends.)
Then it’s time to discuss another dog — Mya, who if you’ll remember ate some decomposing chicken satay and skewers off Ariana’s nightstand. Sandoval admits that he gave an HVAC technician access to the room, but that he doesn’t know whether he or Ann left the door open for Mya. Ariana says she should have been “consulted” that someone was entering her room, because her room is “all I have”.
Again, I understand why Lala would have little patience for this kind of therapy-speak when she’s had to work out a communication system with Randall for the sake of her child. As I wrote a few weeks ago, it’s clear that communication breakdowns endangered Mya, and if Ariana was going to stay in the house with her ex, the two needed to coordinate how they were going to keep their animals safe.
We end rather abruptly. Andy asks Sandoval and Ariana who gets custody of their pets — Ariana is, because she found Kitty and paid Mya’s adoption fees. Sandoval rolls his eyes. James, taken over by lingering attachment to Rachel expressed through Hippie, decides to make this moment about him and and snaps at Sandoval that “if you didn’t have a problem with Hippie getting taken from me,” then he shouldn’t be rolling his eyes now. To which I say, James, who cares? Sandoval, who is also still trying to prove that Rachel loved him more than she loved James via a dog, snaps back that he “knows things” about Hippie that “add up.” James yells, “I’m miles ahead of you, bruv!” (Yeah, until you get #MeTooed, James.)
It’s a fittingly petty end to a snoozefest of an episode, and I can only hope that next week, Bravo has something good for us. Til then!