A few weeks ago, Vanderpump Rules executive producer Alex Baskin went on Lala’s podcast and declared that Scandoval was the “worst thing to ever happen” to the show. Three episodes into the season, I understand why.
The rules of the road on reality television bear little resemblance to those of the real world. In the real world, boundaries are good, and it is healthy to walk away from toxic relationships. In reality television, this kind of maturity precludes the kind of satisfying resolution that fictionalized storytelling has taught us to crave. So when your cast is fractured — for very good reason — and seems likely to remain so for quite some time, how the hell do you move forward? This week, we’re starting to get an idea.
We pick up right where we left off — at Sandoval’s birthday party, where he relays to Schwartz all the gory details of his tête-à-tête with James. Schwartz is unimpressed that Sandoval dredged up James’ 10-year-old dalliance with Kristen, and warns him that getting angry when friends try to hold him accountable will only negatively impact his life. It’s some of the better advice that Schwartz has ever given, but after he departs for the girls’ Emo Nite set, Sandoval pings from Billie Lee to Band Manager Jason to Kyle Chan to double down and share increasingly salacious details of James and Kristen’s hookup.
Sandoval is given another opportunity to put Schwartz’s advice into action when he meets with Lisa, who is sitting alone in the remnants of Pump like a glammed-up Miss Havisham. Lisa suggests that Sandoval should be a gentleman, move out, and sell the house. Predictably, he explodes.
Sandoval rants that he just wants people to understand how difficult the aftermath of the affair was for him, and how the fanbase’s unrelenting harassment drove him to suicidal ideation. Lisa is concerned, but stands firm that Sandoval’s only hope for forgiveness is genuine sensitivity, humility, and contrition. This makes her the second person in this episode alone to hand Sandoval the blueprint for his redemption. (In the episode’s last scene, which also features the welcome return of the SUR back alley, Scheana becomes the third. Unsurprisingly, Sandoval listens to none of them.)
A few days later, Lisa — an executive producer to her core — tells Schwartz she is anxious about Sandoval’s mental state and suggests that a group trip to celebrate her new Lake Tahoe restaurant, Wolf, might be just what the doctor ordered. It’s cute that after nearly 20 years of shows, Bravo still requires its casts to pretend these trips are spontaneous plans, but in any case the invitation marks our first foray into the new world of Vanderpump Rules.
Schwartz approaches James first at See You Next Tuesday. James, who doesn’t want to spend his days feeling anger and wants to be able to “normalize” around Sandoval, is open to the idea. The women, particularly Katie and Ariana, are not. Both Lala and Katie tell Schwartz that hitching his wagon to Sandoval will end in heartbreak, and Ariana backs them up by reminding Schwartz that she will not have him or Sandoval in her SURcle. Schwartz, who never responds well to being challenged by a woman, snaps that Ariana’s ego is too big and that she’s “not the queen of the group.”
It’s a cute line, but right now, Ariana is the queen. Every reality cast has a pack leader, and Vanderpump’s is always jockeying for the top spot. Stassi was the first to wear the crown, then Katie, then Brittany, then Stassi again. Lala had it for a season or two. Now, it’s Ariana’s. Riding the wave of public appearances, commercial spots, and professional opportunities, Ariana shot from second-string support cast to one of Bravo’s most recognizable stars. Hundreds of thousands of dollars have been made off the idea of her queendom, and a rabid fanbase who spent months sending death threats to Sandoval, Rachel, and everyone in their orbit, have deputized themselves to punish anybody who doesn’t fall in line.
A queen must have her subjects, and Ariana’s have come to claim their piece of the pie. Lala’s “Send It To Darrell” apparel funded the down payment on her Palm Springs home and her podcast is up for an iHeartRadio award; Ariana and Katie’s sandwich shop sold over $200,000 of merchandise; Scheana dedicated at least 15 episodes of her podcast to the subject; former cast Kristen, Stassi, Brittany, and Jax all covered the affair on their podcasts too.
This doesn’t even begin to cover the constellation of Bravo-focused podcasts and gossip accounts run by people who have nothing to do with the show at all, such as Nick Viall, who didn’t bother to even watch the show before inviting every last one of the squad onto his podcast. (For me, the absolute worst part of the Scandoval was the sheer number of Viall Files episodes I had to listen to, but when you’re a Vanderpump scholar, you’ve got to do what you’ve got to do.) Someone should really crunch the numbers on Scandoval’s windfall; I’m betting we’re well into eight-figure territory, especially now that we know Ariana’s first week on Chicago sold over $1 million of tickets.
In the real world, everything is coming up Ariana. The only sensible thing is for her and Katie to leave their loser exes in the dust and run the sandwich shop of their dreams, for Scheana and Lala to go raise their children in their adjoining Palm Springs houses, and for the Toms to crawl back into whatever hole they came out of and validate each other for the rest of their lives. James has his DJ career, and Ally has her astrology.
But of course, this is not the real world. This is Vanderpump Rules, and in this world, people who might hate each other are paid to hang out, get drunk, fight, cheat, make up, cheat some more, and fight again. We do not watch reality television for ethics lessons — as they say, well-behaved people rarely make good TV. Healthy boundaries are an existential threat to Vanderpump Rules itself. How do you tell a story when your key players are no longer willing to do the job they are paid for?
Rachel’s outright departure was the first blow to the show. Without her, the audience has been denied the catharsis of watching her be punished, then grovel for forgiveness, and ultimately be welcomed back into the fold, as Kristen and Stassi were.
Sandoval doesn’t want to talk about the affair anymore because he feels he suffered enough in the months between seasons. Not only is he in the wrong, his refusal to attempt on-camera repair is an outright refusal to make television from his life, which is of course the thing he is contractually obligated to do. On the other hand, Ariana and Katie are in the right, but their exceedingly reasonable desire to never be around their exes again is just as much a roadblock to the plot as Sandoval’s stonewalling. It seems like James and Schwartz are the only ones who are clocking in. Only time will tell whether these choices can coexist with creating good television.
It will be interesting to see how production handles this split, but I have a nasty feeling they are putting their chips on the “Sandoval redemption” arc. Right now, Sandoval is still working under the assumption that Rachel will be back as his ally, and Ariana and Katie are fine forfeiting screen time to protect their peace — from social media, we already know that neither goes to Tahoe.
But boundaries can’t exist in reality television; in fact, the constant breaking of boundaries is the very phenomenon that fuels it. Production needs to lean into the real lives the cast are living, or Sandoval needs to find some humility, or Ariana and Katie need to bend. As a woman, I hope they don’t. As a viewer, I believe there are a limited number of ways out of the snoozefest that this season has been so far. Whichever path Baskin and crew choose, something’s got to give, and it’s got to give soon. Til next time.
Last calls
- Ann Watch, Week 3: Cleaning up the remnants of Sandoval’s birthday party while Ariana and Katie lounge on the couch and ask her if she gets paid extra to do this. (She does not.)
- Speaking of Katie and Ariana, how about their bougie banana-bag hangover recovery routine? We have come a long way from the days when Jax slept behind a sheet in Schwartz and Sandoval’s living room.
- Despite rumors swirling about a mic-ed up conversation that lead to an alleged investigation, Emo Nite is fairly uneventful. I fear that Scheana’s ‘Good As Gold’ screamo remix, which I was skeptical of at first, is starting to grow on me. Also, if you haven’t been to an Emo Nite yet — or Emo Night Brooklyn, an identical concept — get tickets immediately. Screaming your heart out to My Chemical Romance, Paramore, and Boys Like Girls is the most fun a girl can have without taking her clothes off.
- Did anyone else get serious déjà vu from Scheana and Katie’s dinner? How many times have we heard Katie tell Scheana that a friend to all is a friend to none, and how many times have we heard Schea-Shu talk about the old Scheana? The most interesting thing about that meal was the ginger lychee fauxjitos, which I need to make immediately.