Feel that chill in the air? That slight breeze coming through your living room, even though all the windows are closed? A presence that we’ve not felt in some time has returned to Valley Village. That’s right, girlies — Rachel Savannah Leviss is back.
Well, not back back. Unless the cast is keeping the biggest secret ever, Rachel had no part in this season, but in the show’s timeline, part one of her three-part ~podcast event~ with former New York housewife Bethenny Frankel has just dropped, and her very specter has sent the cast into a tizzy.
We open with Scheana, Ariana, and Lala, who are at Kyle Chan’s jewelry store filming a music video for the screamo version of ‘Good As Gold,’ the only good song a Bravolebrity has ever made. Katie is conspicuously absent because she’s on her “death bed,” but Scheana thinks she’s just avoiding Lala after their spat about loyalty last week.
There’s no time to speculate, because we immediately cut to Casa Kennedy (cue B-roll of a Southwest airplane). “It’s insane,” Ally, all caught up on the pod, tells James. “She’s, like, blaming Hippie’s behavior on you.” James is not happy about his ex-fiancé’s attempts to paint him as a “bad dog dad.” (Rachel’s claims about James’ behavior toward Hippie do not seem far-fetched, by the way. All of his relationships on the show have generated rumors of physical abuse, and we’ve seen his vicious temper many times. Rachel’s lawsuit alleged that she left James after he kicked her family dog, and I find it completely believable that he would have been rough with Hippie.) We also learn that Sandoval has invited James to open for his band’s show at the El Rey, which James is considering because the venue is “legendary.”
Back at Kyle Chan’s, the ladies are discussing the interview too. Scheana is eager to set the record straight on Rachel’s claims about the time she spent living in Scheana’s spare apartment. Apparently, Rachel only contributed $1,000 a month to the $4,300 rent, didn’t pay for parking, never restocked the toilet paper (what is with this cast’s obsession with who bought the toilet paper?), and had sex in Scheana’s bed.
Ariana takes offense to Rachel’s claim that they weren’t that close, because her Instagram is filled with pictures of them hanging out. I think the truth of their friendship is somewhere in between the “best friends” Ariana described them as, and the “just coworkers” narrative from Rachel. As someone who has done psychedelics at music festivals, I understand how that chemically-induced closeness with a festival crew could be confused for actual friendship. But I also don’t think their friendship or lack thereof changes anything. Betrayal is betrayal, and in the context of this show where people are paid to be friends, what does it matter whether Rachel slept with a coworker’s partner or a friend’s?
Lala asks Ariana if her home is available for her sperm donor party, a weird request to make considering she was trashing Ariana’s decision to stay in the house mere days ago. In any case, the house is in a state of mayhem since Ann’s firing and unfit for company. The editors treat us to a shady black-and-white montage of piles of stuff, dirty clothes and PR packages, set to a sinister soundtrack that probably matches the vibe in that house.
Finally, we check in on Tweedledee and Tweedledum. Sandoval tells Schwartz he’s “shell-shocked” by the interview. Up until now, he hasn’t believed he and Rachel are really over. As usual, he’s trying to come off sympathetic, but fails and slips into anger instead. Today, he’s upset because Rachel is “acting as though she’s like, somehow, got it the worst out of everybody.”
It seems Sandoval wants us to think this is a ridiculous statement, but let’s break it down. Sandoval is still on the show that pays him a six-figure salary and appeared on The Masked Singer, Special Forces, and scored a Lifetime movie. Ariana got a career she would never have had otherwise and banked millions. Rachel got death threats and a $200,000 bill from the Meadows. That seems worse.
“How could she think I was anyone other than someone who loved and cared for her?” Sandoval bleats. Well, for one thing, we know that Sandoval was trying to convince Rachel to leave the Meadows despite her telling him she didn’t feel “safe” to be on her own, and I rolled my eyes so hard I was worried they would get stuck that way.
The next day, Lisa is waiting to try the Toms’ cocktails for the newly introduced TomTom brunch. Half an hour after his call time, Sandoval is still MIA, and Schwartz tells Lisa he’s concerned Sandoval is slipping back into a bad place after Rachel’s podcast. “I think he hoped she would say something nice,” Schwartz explains. “She didn’t,” chirps Logan Cochran, TomTom manager and Ariana’s bestie — not to be confused with Logan Noh, who allegedly hooked up with James and is Lala’s bestie.
Sandoval finally arrives, expressionless and hiding behind sunglasses. Lisa asks why he even listened to the podcast and inflict torture on himself. “Because I waaanted to!” he whines. Perhaps sensing he’s not going to give anything scene-worthy unless she changes the subject, Lisa brings up the house. Sandoval responds that he’s received Ariana’s counteroffer and is now questioning whether he can afford to keep it at all, given that a refinance would double his monthly payment. (I called this, by the way.)
Lala arrives to ask Lisa to host her sperm party at Villa Rosa. Lisa still seems skeptical of this whole plan, but after some tears from Lala, she gives her blessing and agrees to host the soiree.
Meanwhile, Scheana and Brock are at the most contested house in Valley Village. Scheana, a petty queen, announces that she’s dropping the lyric video for ‘Apples’ — her new diss track about Scandoval — the day the final part of Rachel’s interview goes live. Ariana, just as petty, also chose that day to announce her cocktail book ‘Single AF.’ But for now, Scheana and Brock are here to clean. Scheana tells us that while Ariana and Sandoval have always been on the messier side — cue a montage of truly gross shots of their homes over the years, dirty dishes and overflowing sinks galore — she’s worried that her friend is falling back into a dark space if her home is so untidy that she doesn’t want people over.
Cut to Sandoval’s rehearsal? Sound check? It’s unclear. He’s got a “Dipped Out” t-shirt on, a reference to last season’s clumsy lie that Rachel “dipped out” after a night in the Jacuzzi with Sandoval and Schwartz that caused her lateness to the next day’s SUR menu tasting. Ick. Also, Sandoval’s voice is better than I thought it would be, which, trust me, is not a compliment.
James arrives to discuss the podcast with Sandoval. There’s a weird competitiveness to the conversation, as James points out that Rachel says she never loved Sandoval and was only with him because she wasn’t over James. This pisses off Sandoval, who insists that he and Rachel had true love — not like what he had with Ariana.
“I don’t believe you guys were ever in love,” James responds. “I think it was a fuckfest for six months.” James calls Sandoval a liar who likes to rewrite history. I mean…true. James storms off, declaring that he won’t open for Sandoval because he’s on to “bigger and better things.”
Blessedly, the rest of the episode focuses on the women. It’s time for Lala’s sperm party, and the girls, the moms, and the gays — no straight men allowed except for Lala’s brother Easton, who is rocking some ill-advised white-boy locs — arrive at Villa Rosa. Lala has made binders of her top three baby daddy candidates, so the group can vote on who they think will make the best donor, and a giant posterboard for “Pin the Sperm on the Vagina.”
Lala gives an emotional speech about how this is not how she pictured her life, but is grateful this path to motherhood is available. “If there’s one thing that I feel like I’m good at in my life, it’s that I’m a good mama,” she sniffs. The group reviews Lala’s proposed donors and settle on #1, a lean, athletic 6’2” guy whose favorite song is ‘Grown Ocean’ by Fleet Foxes and whose favorite animal is a lion.
It’s a strange way to pick a donor, but it’s sweet, too. There are so many ways to build a family outside of the traditional male-female nuclear unit, and choosing the father of your future child surrounded by a gaggle of women who love you pulls at the heartstrings in a way very few events have this season. The women of Vanderpump Rules are transitioning into new phases of their lives, and I want more of this and less of Sandoval and James.
While the rest of the guests are here for Lala, Ally is here to stir shit. Last season, Ally broke the news about Sandoval and Rachel at The Abbey. But she also caused a rift between Katie and Ariana when she misrepresented Katie’s comments about Ariana and Sandoval not keeping tabs on each other as “Ariana and Tom have an open relationship.” Now, she’s here to misrepresent what Lala said about Katie at paintball.
“I heard you were miserable and getting upset about a lot of things very easily,” Ally spills to Katie, who makes the same face I did at home.
This doesn’t get resolved until the next day at TomTom’s first brunch. Tom and Tom are skulking around handing out watermelon shots, and James is DJing. The girls and Ally are at their own table when Lala asks what Katie and Ally were discussing. Katie relays what Ally told her, and the producers immediately roll the tape of what Lala actually said: “I know my friend has been unhappy for quite some time,” which is a far cry from “Katie’s miserable.”
Ally somehow skirts accountability, waving away her overblown wording by saying she couldn’t remember what Lala had actually said. Lala is concerned she’s triggering Katie. Katie thinks Lala’s softer side seems reserved for people who do not deserve it, like Sandoval and Jo.
They seem to have a breakthrough. Lala confesses that she doesn’t know what her place is with Katie given her newfound closeness with Ariana and worries that having a child may have changed their dynamic. Any childless women with friends who are mothers (or vice versa) can relate to experiencing shifts in our friendships that need to be worked through with intention. Katie, who is teary-eyed, says she never wants Lala to feel like she doesn’t have room in her life for their friendship, but admits she’s often felt like Lala is the one who doesn’t have time for her. They kiss and make up, and recommit to their friendship.
In our current timeline, we know that Lala and Katie are feuding, and by this point Lala actually has called Katie miserable. But it’s clear these two have love for one another, so I insist that they figure their shit out immediately and get back to being friends. Thank you.
We end with Scheana, who goes up to the Toms on her way to the bathroom to ask how Sandoval’s doing with the podcast. He moans that he feels betrayed and like he’ll never get closure. Scheana’s face contorts into a “can you believe this fucking guy?” expression, and she points out that none of them are ever going to get closure. Then she comes in for the kill. “I wrote a song about it, it came out yesterday!” she chirps. “There’s a couple specific lines that are…open to interpretation.”
Sandoval scowls at Scheana while she recites: “From a Ferrari to a Jetta/thought that you knew better.” I’m not sure how else you could interpret this line other than being about Rachel (who drove a Jetta), and as Scheana explains, “You went from something gold to something not, and you could do better.”
“That could be anybody,” Schwartz deadpans. Sandoval storms off, whipping on his sunglasses to retrieve his duffel bag from behind the bar. “Just cash in on my misery,” he snaps as he hightails it out of brunch. I can’t say I’m sorry to see him go.
Next week, Sandoval falls out of a chair, and Jax is back — again!
Last Calls
- Ann Watch, Week 12: Much like Rachel, Ann does not appear in this week’s episode. Her absence is felt, through the hundreds of boxes and shoes strewn about the house.
- Craig Watch, Week 1: I am kind of surprised that Sandoval essentially hired a newer model of himself to be his assistant, but perhaps he finally realized that no self-respecting woman will ever put up with his shit. This week, Craig makes Schwartz and Sandoval some lattes.
- Fully obsessed with how Schwartz dissociates every single time Sandoval starts crying. I get it. I would too. Also, Sandoval’s attempt to rope Schwartz into taking out a joint loan on he and Ariana’s house so they can be roommates is maybe the dumbest idea he’s ever had, and he’s not exactly known for his brains. Schwartz rejects this idea: “We would be looked at like nincompoops.” To which I say, would be?!
- I half-believe the conspiracy theory Ally doesn’t even live in that house and has an arrangement with James that she will film as his girlfriend in exchange for a platform for her astrology business, and that James is now stuck in an unrequited fake-dating-to-lovers scenario. Assuming they are together, it could not be clearer that they are on different pages. As Charli said in Season 10, James views Ally as his future wife, and Ally views James as her current boyfriend. Wish them the best!