Everyone knows reality television is contrived. Unscripted television is still a mode of storytelling, and until we get Big Brother-style live feeds following our casts around, we will never know for sure what happens behind closed doors. A certain suspension of disbelief is required to enjoy the medium at all.
With the right cast, even the most engineered scenarios can spark the magic we come here for. It’s a fine line to walk, though, and last night’s episode veered wildly between genuine moments and setups that felt so fake that even I, a longtime Vanderpump devotee, couldn’t bring myself to believe them. Let’s break it down, scene by scene.
Real: Ariana’s admission that she’s hurt as well as angry
We pick up right where last week’s episode ended. Schwartz and Sandoval have left the beach for a bar, and Lala and Scheana pull Ariana aside while Brock, James and Ally nosh on oysters.
“He knew all the deepest, darkest, parts of me,” she sniffs, and says the level of anger she has toward Sandoval five months post-affair (we’re in mid-August now) is not healthy. This is the first real vulnerability we’ve gotten from Ariana all season, as she’s preferred to present herself as unbothered and over it. Getting her there was like pulling teeth, and while Lala may be crying with Ariana in one scene and shading her about the house in the next, I have to admit she’s an effective scene partner.
Fake: Ariana and Sandoval’s fixation on their house
Look, I get it. The house symbolized a lot — financial stability, success, future hopes and dreams. Ariana and Sandoval spent nearly $100,000 to furnish it. But on Ariana’s part, the house still feels like a deflection from the things she doesn’t want to say out loud, like how much she loved Sandoval, and how angry she is at herself for it. Ariana tells us that she keeps her armor up and doesn’t like to talk about the breakup, which would be fine if she weren’t being paid six figures to talk about her breakup. But, you know, she is.
As for Sandoval, his narrative that the house would have fallen apart without his (read: Ann’s, now Craig’s) toilet paper and battery purchases is beyond tired, and nobody is buying it. We all saw the state of Kitty’s overflowing litterbox in last week’s Peacock extended episode — and we’re meant to believe this guy kept the house in order?
Fake: The Schwartz/Katie/Tori love triangle
Tori, if you recall, was initially brought onto the show to nanny for Summer Moon. Shortly afterwards, Tori’s hours with another family were increased and she disappeared until the Hotel Ziggy outing two episodes ago. Now, she’s making out with both Schwartz and Katie, who are apparently going to spar for her affection.
Katie’s lady dalliances are well-established lore, and I’m sure she’s been having plenty of sapphic fun since her divorce. But there is no part of me that believes that both Katie and Schwartz just so happen to be dating the same 25-year-old for any reason other than plot. If anything is real about this scenario, I think it’s that Katie and Tom are playing out some fucked-up psychosexual dynamic with each other, with Tori caught in the middle. I guess we’ll see. Real or fake, I’d still rather see the former Bubbas go on staged dates than have to listen to one more conversation about Scandoval.
Fake-ish: Lala and Jo’s hot-dog lunch
Lala and Jo’s outing to a hot-dog-shaped hot dog stand was actually a great example of how a production setup can still give us authenticity. On the real side, Jo (or production) has asked Lala to lunch because she wants to be “part of Schwartz’s life forever” and to make inroads with his friend group. Even when Jo tries to act like she doesn’t want to be with Schwartz, her genuine affection for that flop can’t help but seep through. Lala mostly seems interested in pressing Jo on whether or not she knew about Sandoval and Rachel’s affair, a question I thank her for asking.
On the fake side, Jo tries to claim she had no idea. For the record, I truly don’t care whether she knew or not — mostly because Scandoval exhausts me at this point. And we don’t have enough information about her and Ariana’s pre-Scandoval relationship to judge whether Jo was obligated to spill the beans. But Tom and Rachel were flaunting their affair even in LA, and we’re meant to believe that they kept their hands to themselves on a weekend-long double date in the middle of the woods? Okay.
Fake: James, Ally, Ariana, and Katie’s Top Golf outing
I know I’m wrong for it, but this made me long for the days when everyone on the cast was a raging alcoholic with a cocaine problem. We used to have it all. Now, we are forced to listen to Katie pretend she doesn’t care what Schwartz does, Ariana pretend she doesn’t know Lala and Scheana are asking her pointed questions to drive the show forward, James pretend to be excited about paintballing, and Ally bring up “manifestation” so she can remind us all she’s an astrologer. Moving on.
Real: Lala and Scheana’s trip to the California Cryobank
Lala’s IUI journey is underway. She brings Scheana to meet with a cryobank employee named Brian who walks them through how donors are screened. Lala plans to throw a conception party (it’s a girl!) so that baby #2 will be conceived in just as much love as Ocean was, albeit a different kind.
Lala confesses to Scheana that trying for another child makes her feel like she’s actually forming a family. “Right now I feel like I’m part of something that’s broken,” she tearfully admits. She shares in a talking head that she always pictured giving her daughter the kind of stable and loving childhood she had, but that she feels like she’s “deeply failed” Ocean. I may get snarky with each and every one of this cast, but Lala has been through the ringer with Randall, and it’s lovely to see her try and build the kind of life she wants on her own terms.
Real (but shady): Lala and Scheana’s conversation about Ariana
Of course, the warm and fuzzies can only last so long. The conversation turns to Ariana and beach day. Scheana has vocalized in past episodes that she believes Ariana won’t be able to heal until she and Sandoval can get away from one another, but tells Lala that she’s “treading lightly” at the moment. Lala declares that Ariana is “not going to win this game,” and that if Ariana is choosing to stay in the house then she can’t feel bad for her anymore.
On the one hand, it’s nice to hear some honesty. I believe that the group is all too aware of how the fanbase will come down on them simply for expressing an opinion that is slightly different than Ariana’s. And though I think Lala should have a bit more compassion, I understand why she’s over it, considering what she went through — whether Ariana’s reasons for staying in the house are justified or not, it’s undeniable that she is choosing to stay in a situation that is weighing on her mental health and putting her pets in danger.
On the other, I still don’t think either of them is really telling the truth. It must be difficult for Lala to watch the same public that demonizes her, deify a woman who overlooked as many red flags in her relationship as Lala did, and I wish she would just go there. I’m less certain what Scheana’s beef is — there’s jealousy, but it feels like there’s something else unsaid that we haven’t gotten to the root of. Like Ariana, they need to dispense with the pretense and say what’s really bothering them.
Fake: The guys’ (and Jo’s) singles event
God, this was painful. From Jo’s endless fussing with Schwartz’s untoned hair, to Schwartz brushing her off, to the drunk woman who strongarms Schwartz into kissing her on camera, this was all filler, no killer. The only interesting bit, which we’ll get to later, was Jo’s reveal that she and Schwartz have said “I love you” to one another, that they are still sleeping together, and that she’s tired of feeling like his secret.
Real: Katie’s anger at girls’ night
While the guys are on the prowl, the girls (sans Ally) are grabbing drinks. We’re treated to a dramatic shot of them walking up to the bar all in a row, which certainly makes for good TV but is the worst sidewalk etiquette I’ve ever seen. After some perfunctory chat about Katie’s painting date with Tori, Lala brings up her lunch with Jo.
Katie is not happy. “This girl’s nothing to you, and I’m something to you, why do you gotta feel bad for this chick?” she demands of Lala, who counters that it was Schwartz’s idea and Jo wanted to share her side of things.
“I’m soft right now, Katie!” Lala insists, in an uncanny imitation of Michael Scott declaring bankruptcy. Katie snaps that she only likes people who are consistent and loyal, which is an odd thing to say to the only cast member who stuck by her after her divorce with Schwartz.
I don’t think Lala wants to be actual friends with Jo, Schwartz, or Sandoval. To me, it feels like she’s just not interested in carrying other people’s grudges. Katie comes from an era of Vanderpump where all grudges were collective blood oaths, and perhaps Lala’s disinterest in carrying the banner is at the root of Katie’s frustration with her. But once again, it feels like there’s something that’s not being said.
This is yet another one of those situations that I would understand in real life but feels a bit silly when you consider that these people are all paid to film together. Maybe it’s because I’ve never been part of such a high-conflict friend group, but the Vanderpump women’s incessant demands for loyalty didn’t hit for me in 2012 and they don’t hit for me now.
Fake: Paintball
I can’t believe the show has gotten all this production budget and they’ve used it on slow-mos of Sandoval lobbing colorful smoke bombs.
Did anyone else clock Ally’s flip-flopping? Either she’s glad Lala got lunch with Jo or she’s happy to join in on Katie, Ariana, and Scheana’s bullying, but she can’t be both. Pick a lane, Ally!
Real: Jo’s “breakup” with Schwartz
When Jo first appeared on the show, I thought she wasn’t built for reality television. I have to eat my words, because she was far and away the best part of this week’s episode.
Jo is in the kitchen of Schwartz’s apartment when he comes in. Is she living there? Does she have a key? What is going on with their housing situation? Schwartz asks Jo whether he’s giving mixed signals, and says that while they have “undeniable chemistry,” he simply can’t be in a relationship right now.
“Do you imagine how I feel after being around you for the past year and a half?” Jo responds. “We have been there for each other.” It sure seems like Schwartz, like so many men exiting a long-term relationship, found a new woman to replace his former partner’s emotional support, but doesn’t want to commit or put a relationship label on things despite treating her like a partner in every other sense.
Schwartz wants to “keep hanging out, but” keep the situationship behind closed doors, which Jo rightfully shoots down. “But, but, but, shut the fuck up,” she snaps, and guys, I think I might like Jo now?
Then she lays all her cards on the table. “Would you say that we probably have a really weird connection?” she asks Schwartz. “It’s so easy. Us together, we’d be disgustingly ugly and old and laughing and all those things. That’s why I think I need some time, because deep down I do have feelings for you.”
Schwartz agrees with it all, and Jo’s eyes well as she finally realizes that despite all the intimacy, all the “I love yous”, all the duck boat dates, she and Schwartz are not going to be together. Through tears, she excuses herself and mutters that she has to call her dad. Schwartz halfheartedly peeps out into the hallway after her, bleating “Joseph? Joseph! Joseph!”
“I just want him to be happy,” she says in her cross-legged confessional. “He’s my favorite person in the world, and I don’t care what he says about me, but that’s the goddamn truth. I think the world of him.”
To hear Jo lay her heart bare in such a simple, uncomplicated way — she loves that man, and she’ll own it no matter how she might look — is raw, real, and an unexpected relief in a group that has gotten too used to spinning a yarn.
Ariana doesn’t want to talk about how much she loved Sandoval. Katie doesn’t want to cop to still caring what Schwartz does. Lala won’t admit that it hurts to realize just how much the public thinks she deserved what she got. Scheana…as I said, I don’t know what Scheana’s deal is, but I’d really like to know. Schwartz can’t take accountability for leading Jo on. Sandoval has yet to show one hint of remorse for the terrible thing he did last year. James and Ally continue to be irrelevant.
And so, in a twist I never saw coming, Jo wins this episode for me. Jo, mama…kudos for saying that. For spilling.
Last calls
- Ann Watch, Week 11: No Ann, as it appears she has definitively been fired. Some guy named Craig has arrived to take her place, and depending on how much we see of him, we may be on Craig Watch from now on.
- It is actually remarkable that Vanderpump’s post-Scandoval season has been so snoozy, but we are officially reaching Season 9 levels of boring. I guess I shouldn’t have been surprised, considering it happened to the two least interesting people on this cast. We need the reunion now because I am nearly asleep.