Ever since Jill Zarin attempted her break-up-to-make-up storyline with former bestie Bethenny Frankel, self-producing has been a part of reality television. When it works, it works: Heather Gay’s “Receipts! Proof! Timeline! Screenshots!” will go down in the Bravo Hall of Fame. When it doesn’t, it doesn’t, though the resultant fireworks can be just as iconic. Case in point: Sandoval’s failed attempt to hide his off-camera affair with Rachel.
To an extent, self-producing is inevitable. To be in the public eye is to curate yourself. A degree of narrative massage is expected, because reality stars are paid to be the heroes of their own stories.
But just as attachment theory explains that we can relate to people in healthy and unhealthy ways, there’s a fine line between good and bad self-production. Heather did it for the sake of the show, a net good. Sandoval did it to hide from the viewers, an outright refusal to do his job. And this week’s episode forcibly reminded me that though I am Team Ariana when it comes to the Scandoval, I have always thought she and Sandoval were well-matched because both are self-producers to their very cores.
We open with Sandoval’s return from Tahoe. He tells Ann that while there were fights, they had resolutions and the cast is humanizing him again. That is not exactly how I would characterize Lala calling him a groomer, but whatever Sandoval needs to sleep at night.
Lisa hosts Scheana at Villa Rosa to do what she does best: Stir the pot. Scheana tells Lisa she’s going through stages of grief over Sandoval and that she doesn’t feel like she can talk to Ariana about it, who understandably is not interested. She reveals that she found out about Ariana’s Dancing with the Stars gig through her boyfriend Dan, who Scheana picked up from the airport. Lisa drops her face into her hands, hiding her glee that Scheana’s devotion to making things about herself is here to save the show. She suggests Scheana bring this up to Ariana, trying not to appear too eager for her employee to completely torpedo her friendship for the sake of content.
Lala and Ariana grab coffee, where Lala asks why Ariana hasn’t defended Scheana from the torrent of harassment fans have thrown at her for standing next to Sandoval in a photo. Ariana says she prefers to stay above the fray, and doesn’t want her words reposted as a headline.
This is exactly the kind of spin Ariana has always done that frustrates me so much. She has a long history of clapping back at fans online when it’s her reputation on the line. She wrote a thousand-word screed about Miami Girl, who she knew was telling the truth. She’s taken to Reddit to correct fans about her fillers and her book with Sandoval. On Instagram, she’s deep in the comments section of Bravo fan pages and her own, liking posts that support her and arguing with those who don’t (here’s one, here’s another, and here’s another — and those are just from February).
If Ariana thinks Scheana should have refused the picture, she has every right to feel that way and she should say so. But acting like she’s above it all is a narrative unsupported by reality. I frequently disagree with Lala and Scheana, but I appreciate that they are willing to own their feelings, no matter how self-centered they may be. Ariana rarely does, preferring to attach a lofty narrative to her decisions instead.
This is Sandoval’s M.O. too, and we see it on full display when he meets with Lisa. She tells Sandoval she’s spoken with Rachel, who isn’t pleased with him. Sandoval immediately launches into a soliloquy about how he’s worried about Rachel, misses her, and just wants any kind of relationship. It’s an attempt to come off as the magnanimous good guy, but when Lisa relays that Rachel told her Sandoval once said “lying is a way of life,” he can’t get ahold of himself before his hackles rise. His denial is pointless, as we’ve watched him lie for the last decade, and it’s all too clear that what he’s really upset about is losing his grip over Rachel’s voice.
All this reminds me why I love Katie, who has never been afraid to speak her mind, even when she’s punished for it. At drinks with Kristina Kelly, Lala, and Scheana, Katie finally admits, through tears, the truth I’ve been waiting for: “That man has never offered me a sincere apology since the day I met him. He interfered in my marriage. He made everyone think I was a monster. My own ex-husband, I think.”
With all the montages Evolution has been forcing down our throats, you would think this would be the perfect moment for Katie’s, but they refuse to oblige. So let me tell you what I remember: Sandoval, withholding his friendship from Schwartz because Katie wanted to help with Schwartz and Sandy’s. Schwartz, joking that he would take Katie back (she dumped you, bro) to convince her to give up her room at Scheana’s wedding resort while Ariana laughed. Scheana, telling Schwartz he needed to “get his Schwartz back,” as though Katie had stolen his mojo. Ariana, refusing to take a side while Rachel pursued Schwartz for a storyline before divorce papers had even been signed. Katie, who has always called it like she saw it and clocked Sandoval before any of the rest of these bozos, deserves her justice. I hope that one day, she gets it.
(In the interest of objectivity, Katie doesn’t really have the right to tell Scheana to forget about Sandoval welcoming her into the group in Vanderpump’s early seasons. I can understand why Scheana would value the lifeline he threw her, not least because Katie, Kristen, and Stassi tried their very best to push Scheana off the show, so let’s call this one a wash.)
All the women get together at Ally and James’ for an astrology night, while the men don suits for dinner at some sort of Fogo de Chão copycat. Nothing interesting happens at guys’ night, but that’s okay, because the girls deliver.
Astrology night starts off well enough. Ally reads each woman’s birth chart and explains how their placements affect their fates and personalities. Because we can never have a moment of peace, nor do we want it, Scheana asks Ariana how she’s processing her post-Sandoval grief while in the same house.
Ariana has clearly been reading social media snark about how she can’t be that hurt if she hasn’t moved out of her home, and immediately goes on the defensive. I don’t think either Scheana or Lala have come from that place this season, and they’re correct that living with her ex will only delay her own healing. It doesn’t mean Ariana should be the one to move, but it’s still a fact.
“The internet thinks I’ve been making millions and it’s not true,” Ariana huffs. She explains that the first year she and Sandoval started making real money, they purchased their $2 million home. Since then, she’s played financial catch-up. A week before Scandoval, Ariana emailed her agent and manager to book some jobs because she was in dire financial straits, down to her last $2,000. “Tom created this situation, and now I’m scrambling,” she says.
This is where I had to pause the episode and sit in silence, opening and closing my mouth like a fish out of water. The Vanderpump cast has made over half a million dollars per season since Season 6, and even after taxes, insurance, and agent, publicist, manager, and lawyer fees, they’re still probably netting six figures.
Meanwhile, the rest of America is in the throes of a cost-of-living crisis. Evictions and homelessness are on the rise. The uninsured rely on GoFundMe for health care. Senior citizens go back to work simply to survive. The federal minimum wage is $7.25 an hour and the average annual income is around $30,000. It sucks that Ariana is in the financial situation she’s in, but I can’t find it in my heart to have sympathy for anyone who frittered away years of six-figure earnings (seven for the couples) on custom furniture. It’s convenient for her narrative to blame this all on Sandoval, but the reality is that it took two of them to live this far beyond their means.
Brock texts Scheana from guys’ night, which prompts Ariana to comment that James should respect himself enough to skip it. Ally says he feels guilty about it, which Ariana chalks up to James feeling that he’s betraying himself. Lala suggests that in fact, the guilt stems from a fear of losing Ariana.
“I don’t want you to be like me where you’re so worried about what other people are doing,” Lala tells her.
“But I’m not!” Ariana insists. “I see the truth about Tom Sandoval.”
I’m not surprised Ariana sees Sandoval’s attempts to ice her out. After all, it’s the playbook the two of them ran against Kristen. For the last 10 years, Ariana was Sandoval’s top lieutenant, and the way he’s conducted himself since their breakup has made it clear that his mask would have fallen a lot sooner without her. It’s a shame it took Sandoval turning his venom on Ariana for her to have a problem with his behavior, and it’s dark that Ariana is weirdly propping up James, who allegedly abused Kristen, so that she can justify her boundary with the man who hurt her. Doesn’t Kristen deserve for her friends not to hang around her abuser? But here we are.
Ariana’s self-producing isn’t the same as Sandoval’s. He does it with malice, to cover his sins and isolate the people he dislikes. She does it to avoid confronting the feelings that she doesn’t seem to think she deserves to have, and to protect herself from a fickle and nasty public. I find myself wishing that Ariana would step into her power and own that not only is she bothered, she has every right to be. As Lala says, the only person Ariana is hurting with this dishonesty is herself (well, and Miami Girl). But it’s still frustrating to watch.
Lala presses on, and Katie decides it’s the right moment to bring up that Lala set the same boundary with Randall, a parallel she shouldn’t overlook.
This is a popular false equivalence on Bravo subreddits, which I know Katie reads, and it’s disappointing that she went there. Not only was Sandoval part of the friend group long before Ariana was, their breakup posed none of the safety issues that Lala and Randall’s did. Ariana and Sandoval’s ties will be cut once the house is sold and Vanderpump ends. But Lala? She’ll be stuck with Randall for the rest of their lives. I can’t believe I even have to say this, but sharing a child is higher-stakes than sharing a house, and I was glad Lala reminded the women that her situation is, and will forever be, worse.
Lala is wrong, but it’s because she’s rushing Ariana’s healing. It’s nice that she learned from her breakup, but she’s had years to get to the place she wants Ariana to arrive at after only four months. Katie is wrong too, for projecting her own grievances with Sandoval onto the person who defended her against him after her divorce. Both are just trying to help their friend, but they’re both out of their lanes here.
Ally reminds the girls to get back to what’s really important — her astrology business. Ariana and Lala laugh off their skirmish, but Katie doesn’t look happy by episode’s end, and only time will tell what’s next for her and Lala.
It’s sad to see a friendship that was so strong last year come to blows over a fight that is not even really theirs, but I’m still grateful for the mess. Lala and Scheana may not be the loyal friends Ariana needs right now, and Katie may be projecting her own hurt onto someone else, but with all the spin that’s flying around, it’s refreshing that at least some of the cast aren’t afraid to tell us how they really feel.
Last calls
- Ann Watch, Week 7: This week, she went to see Barbie, and hilariously reminded Tom that he should probably unpack his feelings in private.
- It was lovely to hear Lala talk about her IUI journey and her desire for a family on her own terms. She’s been through enough, and for once I have nothing snarky to say.
- I was shocked that Scheana actually admitted she believes Sandoval misses their friendship more than he misses the relationship with Ariana, but I also think it’s true. He’s never seemed to want Ariana back and seems nothing but relieved to be done, only regretting that he destroyed his own reputation in the process.
- The show has long progressed past the need for Lisa, but even I laughed when she said she would never consult a 2.5% owner on managerial decisions like bringing Pump’s chef and front gate over to TomTom.
- We didn’t even get to talk about Schwartz and Jo! The dueling confessionals in which Jo admitted to being intimate with Schwartz just a month ago and asserting that there are real feelings between the two, while he did his level best to avoid even remotely claiming her, were painful to watch. I’m still not a fan of Spooky Jo, but I do feel a little bit bad for her and her tragic trucker hat.
- Of course Sandoval was trying to buy James with those glasses, but James is the same kind of guy. Remember when he bought Lisa’s son Max an Oculus 2 to apologize for calling him a “fat prick” with “wussy energy spewing off of him”? Birds of a yucky feather flock together.