A woman’s anger has never had a place on Vanderpump Rules. When Jax cheated on Stassi, she was ostracized. When Sandoval lied about his yearslong affair with Ariana to Kristen, she was called crazy. When Katie was upset about Schwartz’s flirtation with Rachel, the entire group (save Lala) were all too happy to take his side.
When female rage is centered, it usually comes at the expense of some other woman. Jax’s dalliance with Faith galvanized the women to rally around Brittany, but Bravo historians will remember that this unity promptly transmogrified into racist harassment. When Scandoval dropped, the group castigated Rachel as a “subhuman cunt” who deserved “the worst things that could happen to a human.” Some went so far as to suggest she had lied about entering a mental health facility.
For the first half of this season, we’ve watched Ariana try to hide the depth of her rage and refuse to film with her ex. It’s not been convincing; she can spin and stick to a lie better than basically anyone on the cast, but even she can’t suppress the torrent of emotion she clearly feels. This week, we finally see something genuine break through.
We open with Ann arriving at Ariana and Sandoval’s house to interview as Ariana’s assistant. Ariana and Ann talk in the open kitchen while Sandoval works out. Predictably, he emerges from the gym and listens from upstairs as Ann gushes to Ariana that she would love to work for a girl boss. Ariana tells her that the situation is volatile right now, but that she would love to revisit the idea when she’s out of the shared home. Sandoval is not happy, and we learn that he “came down hard” on Ann and may or may not have fired her.
As awful as Sandoval is, it feels like common sense that you ought not interview for a new job in your current workplace, with your current boss within earshot. I’m going to give Ariana the benefit of the doubt here and assume that production directed her and Ann to conduct this interview in the house with Sandoval there. If this wasn’t the case, it was an unquestionably shitty position for Ariana to put poor Ann in.
The group converges on James and Ally’s house for a water tasting hosted by Lala. Martin the water sommelier takes the group through a number of waters, including a bottle that he claims is the only one of its kind in the United States at $1,000 a pop, but actually seems to retail online for just $180.
“This does not compare to wine tasting at all,” Katie hilariously points out. (As an aside: We’ve seen a lot of absurd events on this show over the years, from the #ToesForNose photoshoot to a puppy party, but this water tasting is right up there with the most ludicrous. Daug the lizard’s funeral — 2019-2019, rest in peace — still takes the cake for me, though.)
Once the waters have run dry, the group turns to wine and pizza. Sandoval runs out to check whether the delivery man brought their ranch dressing (he didn’t), and Ariana rolls her eyes and mutters that “he’s doing the most right now.” In case Sandoval didn’t hear, she repeats it several more times as he passes back through the room. Ariana is obviously in “look at this bitch eating crackers” stage with Sandoval, and she has every right to be, but as an objective third party I will admit that I think having ranch for your pizza is pretty damn important and a certain level of urgency is required here.
Ariana then relays the news of Ann’s firing to the girls. “The attempted dog murderer was eavesdropping,” she says, and the producers hilariously cut to Sandoval around the corner, eavesdropping.
Scheana and Lala ask how Ariana plans to communicate with Sandoval without her go-between. Ariana suggests that her lawyer can take that on, but as Scheana points out, no attorney is going to spend their days texting Sandoval to ask if he is done using the Tonal. Brock asks who the dog murderer is, and Sandoval slides in to explain that she’s referring to him.
Ariana and Sandoval start going at it. It escalates quickly, and the gist is that Ariana believes Sandoval almost killed Mya on purpose. Sandoval says she hasn’t emptied Kitty’s litterbox in two years (flashback to footage the producers got a week ago of Ariana scooping cat poop). Ariana yells that Sandoval shouldn’t go in her room, the “only safe space” she has after he wrecked their home. She calls Sandoval callous and careless for leaving the back door open the night the group was all at SUR. Sandoval harps on Ariana’s lawyer’s silence in response to his letter of intent to purchase their home.
Pretty soon, Ariana starts screaming “Get the fuck away from me! Never look at me in the eye again!” on repeat and picks up her phone to call 911 on Sandoval. (This is now the second time Ariana has threatened to call 911 on Sandoval this season, and I have to say, it gets less cute each time.) Sandoval picks up his stuff and leaves. Poor Dayna, who didn’t even want to return to this godforsaken show in the first place.
While this is happening, Schwartz and Katie are in the backyard talking about Max. For all the times we’ve seen these two get in vicious, below-the-belt scraps, their exchange was almost…sweet? “You dirty dog,” Schwartz chuckles as a clearly-stoned Katie jokes that she’s trying on the “Schwartz pants” for once. Schwartz tries to complain about Katie roasting him “into oblivion” for his Rachel makeout and Katie reminds him that she won’t be his friend until he makes better choices, but these two have had some version of this conversation so many times that this sparring is more force of habit than anything else. Schwartz gets distracted by Ariana’s screaming, and Katie says, “Okay, I won’t fuck any more of your friends.” It’s funny! I laughed!
Back in the house, Lala tells Ariana she and Sandoval need to figure out how to have a productive conversation. Ariana goes off again, saying Sandoval is a sociopath, a gaslighter, a narcissist. (We’ll come back to this later.)
Obviously, Ariana isn’t pissed off about Sandoval chasing down the ranch. I don’t even think this is really about Mya. She’s angry about the affair, angry that Sandoval doesn’t feel any remorse about hurting her, humiliated that no part of him wants her back. Above all, she’s angry at herself for spending a decade of her life riding for a man whose true self she seems to be seeing for the first time.
The next day, we head to the beach. Every beach day on this show has been a complete and utter disaster — from “I take sketch comedy very seriously,” to Jax almost drowning, to James throwing a drink in Schwartz’s face — and this one is no exception.
At first, things are tense but stable. James draws a line with his foot to demarcate Ariana’s and Sandoval’s sides, a gag that everyone except Ariana laughs at. But it’s not until Brock makes a joke about Rachel being a recipient of Sandoval’s flirtiness that things really go south.
“This conversation is disgusting,” Ariana interjects. The group tries their best to steer away from the danger zone. Katie pokes Sandoval about Ann, but this just opens the door for James to ask who’s looking after Mya. Schwartz tries to deescalate and says both Ariana and Sandoval are great dog and cat parents. Ariana declares that actually, both Mya and Kitty are hers because she’s the one who paid the adoption fees, which seems fair. Sandoval asks whether by those rules, the house belongs to him since Ariana doesn’t pay bills. “Stop speaking to me!” Ariana shouts, until Sandoval walks away.
It is at this inopportune moment that Lala arrives. Ariana, still upset, starts chastising Brock and James for not telling Sandoval to stop speaking. “You gotta step in as men,” she says. “Because he is such a misogynist, he requires men to put him in his place and tell him to just take it.”
Brock pushes back that Sandoval is taking it. Lala adds, unwisely, that Sandoval is on defense mode.
Ariana has had enough. “The devil has enough advocates. He is never going to be fucking sorry, remorseful, or one iota of any of that, and you guys keep shoving him down my fucking throat,” she spits. “And what do you think I’m gonna do, sit here and have the best fucking beach day ever? Sit here and listen to his fucking jabs at me? What do you expect?”
It very much feels like the producers want us to dislike Ariana for her anger. I don’t. She is entitled to it all. Nor do I feel that Sandoval is some sort of victim, beaten down by an angry woman who constantly belittled him.
Here’s my thing, though. There is no question that Sandoval’s behavior is awful. Yes, he is a misogynist. Yes, he is a gaslighter. But that is not exactly breaking news. He’s never been remorseful. He’s never apologized without a “but.” He’s always relished going after women.
We’ve watched Sandoval be consistently vicious, petty, and cruel for ten years, Ariana the chief laundress of his unsavory image. She is not responsible for his actions — he is, after all, an adult, one who has had 40-odd years to improve himself. But she is responsible for her actions, and it’s odd that her litany of complaints about Sandoval seems completely detached from the fact that she enthusiastically defended him and participated in his schemes until he turned his nasty little playbook on her.
Odder still is Ariana’s belief that the men would come to her defense. They are, it should go without saying, not good people. We’ve watched Schwartz and James verbally abuse their girlfriends for years. We watched Schwartz throw a drink on his wife, call her ugly and undesirable and a bitch. James is rumored to have hit all three of his exes. We know Brock hit his ex and is forbidden to see his first two children. These men have never broken ranks, not once, not ever. That they would side with yet another awful man instead of the woman he hurt is the most predictable thing in the world.
Finally, we have to talk about the fourth wall. Ariana may have been unhappy with Lala, Brock, and James at the beach, but they have no control over her call times. Only Alex Baskin and Evolution Media can demand, as they did a few episodes ago, that the group film together. Vanderpump’s cast is only seven strong right now — the tiniest it’s ever been, far too small to support the kind of split that occurred in seasons with 13 regulars.
And in any case, Bravo was never going to let an entire season go by without footage of a confrontation between the principals of the biggest scandal the network has ever seen. Reality stars who are feuding have never been allowed to set boundaries. On The Hills, LC and Heidi’s infamous “you KNOW what you did!” fight at Les Deux was set up by producers, who ambushed LC with Heidi so they would have it out on camera.
That’s the cold, hard, exploitative truth about this medium. In real life, Ariana could go no-contact with Sandoval and never have to deal with him again. But this is reality television, and if you are going to take a reality television paycheck (close to $35,000 an episode), you can’t be all that surprised when you are told to make reality television.
Far from making me turn against her, though, Ariana’s anger has been the most honest and likable thing I’ve seen from her since January. The awful irony of it all is that forcing Ariana into proximity with Sandoval gave us the first moments all season where it hasn’t felt like she is lying to us about how she really feels.
The things that make me ambivalent about Ariana have not changed — she’s still a relentless self-producer, she still tries her best to hide from the cameras, and watching her rage against the men of the group now that she doesn’t have Sandoval’s protection only reminds me of how long she spent backing up his misogyny. But if she is willing to do some introspection, clock in, and give us something real, I am ready and waiting to applaud her growth.
Last calls
- Ann Watch, Week 10: Chaotic week for our girl. Not only did she interview to be Ariana’s assistant, she got fired as Tom’s. Hopefully, now that Ariana has bought a new home, she will make good on her promise and hire Ann.
- Speaking of Ann, I believe her version of events when it comes to Mya-Gate. According to Ann, an A/C repairman was at the house and needed access to the thermostat in Ariana’s room. She and Sandoval let him in, and Ann left to run an errand. When she returned, Ariana’s door was shut, and she doesn’t know whether Sandoval or the repairman closed it. She let Mya out, and didn’t hear that anything was wrong until the vet visit. Did Ariana know the repairman was coming? If not, did Sandoval or Ann let her know that he needed access to her room? It seems obvious that communication between Ariana and Sandoval broke down somehow, and I don’t think anyone was conspiring to kill the dog.
- I’m not sure Ariana’s reveal that Tom wouldn’t change his underwear and socks for days hit the way she wanted. If I had spent a decade of my life with a man who lacked basic hygiene, I would take that shit to my grave.
- Schwartz and Katie at a singles event wingmanning each other would be hilarious. I’m just saying, I would watch it.