Jax Taylor is one of those rare reality stars that elevates the performance of everyone around him. Like Tamra Judge, he is so production-brained that there is no fight he will not pick, no information he will not share, no confidence he will not break, in order to advance the plot.
To be Jax’s castmate is to constantly watch your back, ready at a moment’s notice to mitigate the fallout of one of your most closely-held secrets being revealed to the one person you hoped would never find out. The upside is that Jax is so darksided and chaotic that his mere presence shields everyone else from close examination. This is the Jax Taylor Effect, which allowed guys like Tom Schwartz, Tom Sandoval, and even James Kennedy to somehow evade being clocked as shitbags in their own right.
So when the news broke that Jax was headed to the asylum in the middle of filming last summer, I was worried. Without him, would the cast be up to the task of humiliating themselves and each other for the sake of our own entertainment? Or would they, like the Vanderpump Rules crew from seasons 9 through 11, relax into the cocoon of pretending to be classy and grown-up?
After our first Jaxless week, the verdict is in: We have nothing to worry about. Everyone has stepped up to fill the gap he left behind. Jesse and Danny in particular seem to realize how much aircover Jax’s misbehavior provided them. The two spend this episode locked in on one another like homing missiles, each determined to use the other to deflect away from his own allegations. It’s enthralling television, and I’ve begun to wonder if Jax’s absence is an even more potent force than his presence.
Let’s start with Danny. In a clearly coordinated info-drop, Jason and Jesse express their concern over his drinking, which was teased as problematic on last year’s Big Bear trip. Jesse says Danny will openly have one to two drinks at events, but will sneak shots in secret à la everyone’s favorite alcoholic, Shannon Beador. In the aftershow, Jason tells us that whenever Danny really “lets his hair down,” it usually ends with him getting kicked out of the bar.
More importantly, it seems that Darkside Danny is the newest sex pest on the block. Jason reveals that at Halloween, Danny got so drunk that he stumbled his way up to Jasmine and her fiancé Melissa, put his hand on Jasmine’s thigh, and told her to “get Daddy a drink.” While she was off doing just that, he grabbed Melissa’s ass. Jason calls this Danny’s “rock bottom” and says that for some people, one moment is enough to them to wake up and stop.
This isn’t a total surprise. Jax dropped plenty of hints in the offseason that there was more to Danny than met the eye, but it’s still a marked contrast to the squeaky-clean Christian-dad image he’s projected so far, and the most damning detail is revealed on the aftershow. The day after the party, Nia was told about the incident, but got her wires crossed and thought Danny had groped Michelle, not Melissa. In response, Danny called Jesse to apologize, not Michelle — who wasn’t even at the party to begin with.
That Danny would call a woman’s ex-husband to apologize for groping his former marital property instead of the woman he thought he groped is a fascinating window into his and Nia’s dynamic. Of all the marital dysfunction on this show, theirs is the best hidden, and it will be fascinating to see how our resident tradwife reacts to this airing of her husband’s dirty laundry.
The allegations against Jesse are far less serious but just as revealing. Before we can get into it, we have to take a harrowing detour into the Boys’ Chat, a group text of 20 men created by Jax, who mostly send memes about how much they hate their wives and girlfriends. Both Schwartz and Beau were in it at one point, but Stassi forced Beau to leave because it was “so disgusting.” Brock is a member. Jesse was voted the “rookie of the year” last year, Jason’s not in it because he has an Android, and Danny tells us that Boys’ Chat operates by Vegas rules: What happens there stays there.
Except it doesn’t. Danny, who invites Luke over while Nia and Kristen go to fertility acupuncture together, reveals that Jesse sent a message to Boys’ Chat that said Michelle sleeps with a billionaire for $1,500 a night. (I hope not, because only a terrible businesswoman would charge that little.)
Later that day, Luke — who is nothing if not well-trained by Mother Doute — spills the beans to Zack, Brittany, and Kristen. We can tell from Luke’s too-intense eye contact with Kristen to confirm that this is the right time to reveal the information, just like they talked about, that she already knows. Still, she makes a good show of acting shocked. “I JUST became Team Jesse!” she hilariously gripes in a confessional. Though she reaffirms her allegiance by episode’s end, she makes sure that we know that she does not condone this particular rumor. That’s feminism.
Everything comes to a head at Janet’s Dave and Buster’s birthday party, an appropriate backdrop for the suburban horrorscape of these people’s lives. Brittany immediately pulls Nia and Michelle aside to relay the information, and Danny is summoned to confirm it. Alarmed by how fast the seed he planted has bloomed, he rushes to confess to Jesse. Jesse, in turn, says he only sent the lie because he and Jax had long suspected there was a mole in Boys’ Chat leaking information to wives, girlfriends, and press.
I believe him, because this story is so pathetic it has to be true, but also because it’s on-brand for Jax and Jesse to be so obsessed with the sanctity of Boys’ Chat that they concocted an entire sting operation to protect it. While Jesse seems to think this absolves him of rumormongering, it also reveals that he’s the kind of guy who sends a salacious lie about the mother of his child to 20 men just to “smoke out a mole.” Seems like both Danny and Jesse care more about the betrayal of a sacred male bond than the women they are groping and lying about. That tracks.
Jesse also spends this week’s episode planning a cast trip to Santa Barbara. He’s invited everyone, even Michelle, because he studied at the Jax Taylor School of Stirring Shit and knows the best way to a good episode is to force everyone into a single location. Michelle had originally planned to stay in a hotel separate from the group house to minimize awkwardness, but after hearing about Jesse’s antics, she’s had enough.
Deciding to turn the group against Jesse, Michelle declares that he should be the one to stay in a hotel while she gets a spot at the house. She stalks around the party, whipping votes like she’s trying to pass the federal budget. Janet and Brittany are on her side, but Jasmine, Nia, and Kristen are not, pointing out that Jesse is the one renting the house.
Once again, Michelle proves herself to be less adept at the reality television game than her ex. The real power play here would be to stay in the house with the goal of making every encounter with Jesse as uncomfortable for him as possible, instead of isolating herself by demanding fealty from a bunch of people who she is not the boss of. (Also, even if she had won the vote, what then? This isn’t Survivor.)
More interesting is the revelation that Jesse may be the broke one. Michelle says he doesn’t provide child support or contribute to rent. In the aftershow, the entire group confirms that Jesse’s a profligate spender, dropping thousands on dinners and fancy wine. Michelle claims the couple had millions of dollars at one point, but that he’s spent most of that by now. Jesse’s desperation to posture as truly wealthy has been clear since last season, but the real question is how deep the problem goes. Is he in debt? Does he gamble? What exactly is he spending all the money on? Somebody call Lisa Barlow’s private investigators to go the distance on this.
Leading into the first cast trip of the season, alliances have been formed and lines have been drawn. It’s a fascinating episode of television, one that elevated bit players Danny, Luke, and Jason to story drivers in their own right. It’s clear just how much the cast has leveled up their reality television game between seasons, and you can see everyone racing to construct their own storylines now that Jax is no longer there to do it for them. In his absence, everyone has come to work ready to destroy one another in an effort to keep the heat off themselves.
This definitely will not work, but it’s shaping up to be a great season of television for us. Next week, we head to Santa Barbara, where I pray we will see the footage of Jesse calling Michelle a hooker and her flinging a glass of water in his face in response.
Balls and chains
- We have to discuss Jesse’s massive pile of stale Costco croissants he assembles into a pyramid on a plate for Kristen and Luke’s visit. Who is coming to brunch and eating 15 plain croissants? Have some class. These people deserve a danish or a coffee cake or a nice lemon loaf.
- The revelation that Michelle may have cheated on Jesse with not one but two men is incredible. Jesse is convinced that New Boyfriend Aaron was the man Kristen referred to in her hot mic moment last season, and lists off piece after piece of evidence, the most convincing of which is that Aaron owns some sort of niche honey brand that was stocked in Jesse and Michelle’s kitchen for years. Kristen clarifies that Aaron was not the guy she was referring to, further expanding the Michelle Cheating Cinematic Universe. I stan.
- Janet’s recitation of her Dave and Buster’s playbook is the most entertaining she’s been this whole show. There are millennial horse girls everywhere for those with the eyes to see.
- Speaking of leveling up between seasons, I cheered when Luke told Danny — on camera — that he was planning to propose to Kristen before he told a single member of his own family. Professional work, baby.