Well, well, well, Vallerinas. The day has come at last, the day that most of us surely thought impossible: A man has proposed to Kristen Doute.
I should be clear that it’s not like I think Doute is undeserving of love or some horrible bridge troll. It’s that she has spent a lot of time in relationships with men who absolutely hate her guts, and I thought she would never break the cycle. Her partners have cheated on her, screamed at her, belittled her, called her crazy, lived off her reality earnings, and generally been the worst.
Luke is the best of this sorry lot, and though it’s not exactly a high bar to clear, we Douteheads have to take the wins we can get. Kristen fucking a seemingly nice guy behind a tent at her best friend’s wedding and turning him into her husband? One of her biggest wins yet, even if Miami Girl still clears.
We begin the episode in Maui, where Luke is unwell. His grandmother is sick, and this heaviness plus his impending proposal have him all freaked out. He and Kristen got into some sort of spat after dinner, and though we don’t see what they were fighting about — probably because the editors are trying to give the queen of emotional terrorism a good edit in her engagement season — we are treated to a shot of Luke in tears, prowling the resort hallways in nothing but a pair of tiny underwear.
But that’s last night’s news. It’s proposal day (P-Day, so nicknamed because to tie oneself to Kristen Doute for eternity is a mission equal in weight to the storming of Normandy Beach). The plan is for Luke, Kristen, Danny, and Nia to go on a fishing trip, where Luke will pop the question at sunset. Luke suggests to Kristen that she shower before they set sail, which she flatly refuses, declaring that you don’t have to shower every day if you’re going in the ocean.
Reader, it was at this point that the episode went off the rails for me (and if I recall correctly, this was about ten minutes in).
I try not to judge reality stars for their foul behavior, which after all is the only reason I watch these shows to begin with, but I do live in a newly-declared subtropical climate — R.I.P. to New York City’s continental days — so I have some experience with living in a state of constant humidity. The thought of sleeping in layers of grease, sweat, sunscreen, and ocean salt disturbed me so much that I felt sick. Every time I saw Kristen on screen, I couldn’t think of anything but how her castmates used to describe her as smelling like coffee and stale cigarettes, and the unique stench that must emanate off her after days of “bathing” in the ocean.
But no matter. Stinky girls deserve love too, and so Luke, his unwashed bride-to-be, and the third-darkest couple on this show embark on their expedition.
The proposal itself is pretty uneventful, minus Kristen refusing to play ball as everyone around her tries to get her in the best state possible pre-proposal, just like the vast majority of heterosexual women I know behaved on their engagement days. She is cranky, a new layer of sweat mingling with the grime already coating her body, and not in the mood to take pictures. She sits on the ring in Luke’s bag at one point, and Nia has to lure her out to the deck under the pretense of getting shots of her and Danny. Luke retrieves the ring, Danny tells Kristen there’s dolphins in the distance so she’ll turn around, Luke drops to one knee behind her back — “Will you be the catch of my life, baby?” — and then they’re engaged.
All snark aside, it is lovely to see Kristen get what I hope will be her happy ending. We have seen her get cheated on by her boyfriend, diagnosed with endless mental health conditions and called a “kangaroo pouch whore” by his mistress, cheated on again, fleeced for her money and fame, only to be kicked to the curb by a guy who looks like a potato with eyes. She may be a snooze this season, and she may be standing by two truly rancid men, but you know what? Reality television is not the morality Olympics, and I am truly happy for our chaotic Mariposa for finding someone who seems to get her, love her, and above all, is kind to her. Long may she and Mr. Doute reign.
The rest of the group are in various states of disarray. The night before P-Day, Jesse pulled New Boyfriend Aaron aside to express his displeasure at a Father’s Day Instagram picture Aaron posted with Isabella, and to ask if he ever crossed the line with Michelle in any way before the Lally divorce. Aaron, already wider-eyed than most humans, wrenches his orbs open to previously undiscovered widths and slowly shakes his head “no.” I don’t really believe him, but also? I don’t really care.
In the light of day, Jesse has decided to move on, having no doubt realized that the audience will not stay interested in the Lallys-getting-divorced storyline forever. He and Aaron get ice cream with Jason and FaceTime Jax, who has purportedly decided to stay home during this trip but in reality was probably banned by production or the state of Hawaii (remember when he got arrested for stealing those sunglasses?).
Zack and Benji are preoccupied with getting things ready for the P-Day celebration. This involves moving all their (and Jesse’s) stuff out of the presidential suite into Luke and Kristen’s room and vice versa, so the happy couple can celebrate their impending nuptials in style. Zack is also responsible for a post-proposal champagne hour and dinner, for which he’s prepared some truly awful screenprinted T-shirts bearing a picture of the future Mr. and Mrs. Doute.
Zack is in a state of high dudgeon about many things — the drinks, the food, the decoration, the secret — but near the top of his list is Janet. He is worried that if Ms. Dave & Buster’s dons a shirt with Kristen’s face on it, Mother Doute will lose it. But he needn’t have worried. As soon as Janet finds out Kristen is betrothed, she does what she does best and bows out of the night’s agenda, declaring that the couple deserves to celebrate their engagement with only the people they’re getting along with. She says she’s happy for the Doutes-to-be, but that things are too fraught right now for her and Jason and fake their way through a party.
In true Janet style, she has to add a little razzle-dazzle. She simply can’t believe that she and Jason left their newborn child for the first time ever just to wind up on Kristen Doute’s engagement trip. Though I wish she’d just suck it up and go start some shit, making Kristen’s engagement all about her and her son is the delusional next best thing.
In the real world, skipping the celebration is the rational and respectful thing to do. In reality world, this is the kind of offense that separates the wheat from the chaff. Do you think Tamra Judge, if invited, would sit out of her nemesis’ engagement party? No, she would put that hideous screenprinted tee on, get too drunk, and cause a scene. Like a professional.
To his credit, Jason seems to recognize this — as Janet announces that she may skip out on the next day’s activities too and leave the trip early, he reminds his wife that they have a Bravo check to earn, urging her to stay. We have yet to see Kristen call Janet a fan as teased in the season trailer, so I’m guessing Jason wins this one. Thank goodness one of the Capernas decided to show up to work.
The entire Janet-Kristen feud, a holdover from last season, is exhausting. Let us remember that this all started because Kristen, upset about one of her terrible exes scoring an invite to boys’ night, lashed out by repeating Janet’s comment that Michelle was a racist Republican, to which Janet retaliated by excluding her from her babymoon-slash-cast-trip. Both were wrong, and both refused to apologize, and now these two exceedingly petty, immature and stubborn women are locked in the world’s most boring battle of wills.
“Just because Kristen came at all our marriages doesn’t mean she doesn’t deserve a good engagement,” Janet snarks. To which I say, fair! But could you guys please hash it out instead of using other people’s arguments to get at each other (Kristen via Janet vs. Jasmine, and Janet via Kristen vs. Michelle) or simply running away?
My annoyance with Janet’s inability to commit to her fights is well-documented, but I hold Kristen, the one who has done this for over a decade, to a higher standard. As a seasoned reality vet, she knows that sitting your ass down with your nemesis — preferably in some tranquil place like a teahouse, a baby shower, or a church where you are guaranteed to ruin the nice day of everyone around you — is the only way to hash out a feud. Let’s pray that the Season 2 reunion forces them into confrontation.
Then there’s the matter of Ms. Kentucky Muffin. Brittany was included in exactly none of the engagement plans, and she’s salty about it. She loves a theme, and she loves to plan a party, and Kristen is like a sister to her, and she simply can’t believe that she’s finding out about the engagement at the same time as these other regular people. I understand her, but the fact of the matter is that the Doute-Brodericks are googly-eyed over the Booko-Sanchezes, who model the God-fearing, procreation-obsessed, Leave-It-To-Beaver, fan-favorite image that they are desperate to mimic, and there is simply no room for anyone else in their creepy little quad.
And that’s all, folks! We wrap the episode with the briefest clip of Kristen and Luke walking into the presidential suite and being surprised by all their friends (sans the Capernas). Next week, Kristen tries to kick Janet off a boat. Thank God (and Kristen and Janet) for delivering us some real television.