In the history of Bravo, there may be no one whose brain has been scrambled more by their time on television than Kristen Doute. (Okay, maybe Shannon Beador.) When we first met her in Season 1 of Vanderpump Rules, she was a flighty, chain-smoking, liquor-chugging waitress who always seemed to be in the middle of other people’s drama, but hardly unusual in the reality pantheon. By Season 4, her realization that Tom Sandoval was cheating on her with Ariana Madix, accompanied by their relentless campaign to label her schizophrenic, bipolar and borderline (among other things) for clocking the affair and her allegedly abusive rebound relationship with James Kennedy, had reduced her to the show’s favorite scapegoat: “Crazy Kristen.”
Kristen is, as the kids say, problematic. She is not some innocent martyr, singled out for public stoning despite a lifetime of exemplary behavior. Nor does it seem that she’s matured past the reactivity that irks others so much. But she is a tragic character of Grecian proportions, her worst instincts rooted in her pathological need to be believed after a decade of dismissal. Just three episodes into The Valley, we’re watching the classic Doute spiral happen again, with an entirely new cast trying to pull the same old tricks.
Despite last episode’s suggestion that we would start this week in the middle of the girls’ night fight, we do not. Instead, we join Cruz, Jax, Brittany and her famously homophobic mother Sherri at a farmers’ market, where the two voiceover flashbacks to their respective drinks the night before.
Apparently, after Brittany told Kristen she was stirring shit up, Kristen retaliated in the only way she knows how — by nuking the joint. “What am I stirring up?” she asks in flashback. “That Janet told Jasmine that Michelle was Republican and probably a racist?” The smile slides off Michelle’s face quicker than a pat of butter on hot pancakes.
In present day, the unhappiest couple in Los Angeles are debriefing. Michelle insists that because she is first-generation Mexican and Persian, born to a family who fled Iran due to religious persecution, she can’t possibly be racist. Hopefully, dear reader, you know that being a minority does not mean you cannot be bigoted. In any case, the most racist person I have ever met in my life is a Persian woman whose family fled Iran due to religious persecution, so while this is my own bias, Michelle’s defense does nothing to convince me.
“What does being a Republican have to do with it?” Jesse muses. Michelle insists that she’s not, but even if she was, who cares?
She FaceTimes Janet, who missed girls’ night because she and Jason were sick, to clear things up. Janet flatly denies it and groans that “this is low, even for Kristen.” In a confessional, Janet says Kristen “doesn’t want Alex’s side of the breakup out there” and wants to be seen as a victim in the situation, which may be true but certainly has nothing to do with what Janet did or didn’t say about Michelle.
At Kristen and Luke’s, she admits that she felt backed into a corner and lashed out in retaliation, but also alleges that Janet tried to stir the pot before filming began, insinuating that Michelle could be racist and homophobic.
Kristen and Brittany grab churros, where Brittany relays that everyone is calling Janet to tell her that Kristen called Michelle racist. That is not exactly what she said, but Kristen does herself no favors when she interjects that she of all people — AKA, she who was fired over the false police report she filed against Faith Stowers — would never use such a “hurtful word.” Brittany, who once called Faith “n*ppy-headed,” crows that this is exactly why she was so confused by what Kristen said. Real circling-the-drain hours over here.
They call Zack who also denies, denies, denies. Like a true white man, he says the Republican comment was made, but that Republican does not mean racist. Kristen hilariously yells that she would never use the “r-word” (that’s a different word, babe) for no reason. We flash back to Kristen confronting Zack at girls’ night about what he said about Janet, and he replies, “Yes, I said that.” He also complains that Kristen can’t keep a secret. Neither of these statements sound like denial to me.
As Janet tells it, she was out with Brittany and Michelle when the topic of “Don’t Say Gay” laws came up and Michelle remarked that the bills were meant to protect children. She makes a big show of letting us know she corrected Michelle, but chalks the belief up to her friend getting caught in a questionable social media algorithm. (To be clear, we all build our “for you” pages brick by brick.) She says she warned Jasmine that if Michelle were to bring up the bill in a conversation, it could be a “teachable moment.”
This chaos converges on Mr. and Mrs. Miserable’s Capri-themed dinner party, at their chichi $20 million listing. Jesse bought 18 bottles of white wine, 50 beers, 6 bottles of gin and 12 bottles of Prosecco for what is at most 16 people, and won’t stop referring to the party as “sophisticated.” Michelle, who is less able to conceal her hatred for Jesse with each passing minute, snaps that he’s “just a guy in a suit” and that this night isn’t about him. Jesse counters that actually it is, because Capri is more important to him than it is to her. Sorry, but lmao.
Capri is important to Jesse because that is where “billionaires dock their yachts.” He believes the best way to secure wealthy clients is to winter and summer where they do. Thus, the Lallys spend their breaks in St. Barth’s and Capri. I wish Jesse would just say, “I want to feel fancy, I crave wealth, and status symbols make me feel alive, so I spend my vacations hoping a billionaire’s success rubs off on me.” It would make him infinitely more likable.
At the dinner, Kristen gives Michelle a hug and an apology as soon as she walks in the door, asking to talk. Michelle returns the tightest-lipped of smiles and tells her it can wait until later.
At dinner, Janet and Michelle commence talking shit. Janet can’t believe that Kristen has “no idea” how angry she is, but I’m not exactly sure what she wants Kristen to do, redirect the entire dinner table to the topic? Kristen — who can hear everything being said — takes the bait, and asks whether this conversation feels inappropriate for the dinner table.
Janet is ready to brawl. She declares that she’s never even thought Michelle was racist, doesn’t know where the accusations came from, and is disgusted. Without missing a beat, Kristen chirps, “They came from Zack.” The pan around the table is incredible, each and every single person giving shocked Pikachu. Kristen barrels on that that Janet told Jasmine to be “cautious” of Michelle, and that Zack insinuated that Michelle being Republican implied racism “and-slash-or” homophobia.
On the sidelines, Zack yelps that Michelle is not homophobic at all. Jasmine insists she’s never had any conversations about anyone at this table. In a confessional, she points out how uncomfortable she is as a Black woman who has actually experienced racism, who now has to watch the term thrown around by a bunch of white people like it’s nothing.
Finished with her monologue, Kristen apologizes to Michelle for lashing out in her home. This isn’t enough for Jesse, who demands that Kristen “call it a lie.” Kristen starts to say that all she did was repeat a comment made to her, but Jesse tells her to shut the fuck up. This in turn enrages Luke, who tells Jesse to calm down, who counters that Luke needs to shut the fuck up.
As Jesse and Michelle shout that Kristen is “dancing around everything”, Nia tries to intervene. She is ignored, because everyone is having too much fun piling on. Janet dramatically declares she’s “done with Crazy Kristen,” and that she doesn’t believe Zack played any role in this — which seems unlikely. Jesse pounds the table so Michelle can speak, and she yells that no one at the table would be her friend if they thought she was racist. (Considering Jax, Brittany and Kristen are all at this table, I beg to differ.)
Jesse says Kristen is slandering his family name, and that if this rumor gets out, it will ruin lives. White people are so damn dramatic. When Michelle chimes in, he flings his hand up in her face so he can continue. “You were thrown off your fucking show for being an actual racist!” he yells. “What the fuck did you just call me?” sputters Kristen, who looks far more surprised than she should be that this particular chicken has come home to roost.
Smash cut to Doute demonstrating just how much she hasn’t learned. “I was cancelled,” she sniffs, with the gravity of someone announcing a terminal diagnosis. She waxes on about how being labeled a racist was the worst thing in the world, and that nobody knows better than her because she went through it. One by one, headlines covering her June 2020 firing start floating above her head as she cries, and cries, and cries. Back in the present day, Luke stands up and says he and Kristen are leaving. We get another black “TO BE CONTINUED” screen.
What a mess! Here’s what I think happened.
Jesse is a proud Republican, and Michelle either is too or has no issue being married to one, which is the same thing in my book. Rather than acknowledge her political affiliation, which would open the door to a host of other questions about her values given the current state of the GOP, Michelle seems to have decided that it’s easier to accuse Kristen of lying.
Janet — who, by the way, may once have been a registered Republican herself — reads as one of those people who is eager to prove themselves an ally. I could see her getting carried away talking to Jasmine, trying to demonstrate her antiracist credentials by “warning” her friend. Like Michelle, it works to Janet’s advantage to shift blame onto Kristen instead of acknowledging what was said and why.
Even if Janet’s version of the story is 100% true, it’s not a stretch to think that Jasmine and Zack privately talked shit about all that being Republican implies and passed it on to Kristen, who mushed it all together into one story.
Calling Kristen “crazy” is the oldest trick in the book, as is provoking her into a response that is almost guaranteed to be inappropriate. But when you examine her history, it’s not hard to see why she’s dogged about not backing down. It took ten years for Ariana to admit that she knew the truth about Miami Girl all along, and for producers to get Kristen’s lick back for her. Even now, she’s still a punchline. Bravo has fit multiple “Crazy Kristen” montages into just three episodes of The Valley, with doubtless more to come.
Kristen’s Achilles heel has always been her penchant to mix up crucial details coupled with her need to prove she’s right — unless she’s in Detective Doute mode, in which case her batting average is 1.000. She’s hardly a “walking truth serum,” as she labels herself, but this entire situation feels like a bunch of reality television newbies who did not quite realize that secrets come out when you film a reality show and that you will have to answer for them. And when you have Bravo’s ultimate scapegoat to blame, why would you admit she’s telling the truth?
Balls and chains
- Jax introduces his and Brittany’s bar this week, Jax’s Studio City. It’s really a backyard/patio tacked onto an existing restaurant, but considering Jax hasn’t invested a single cent and appears to be getting paid a licensing fee for his name, it’s the smartest decision anyone in the Vanderverse has made about entering the hospitality industry.
- Jesse and Michelle have a harrowing couples’ counseling session, led by a “life coach” named Scott. We learn that Jesse never compliments Michelle and Michelle never compliments Jesse, and that the last time she was sexually attracted to him was three years, nine months ago. Jesse asks how many compliments he has to give Michelle before he can expect love and sex in return. Woof.
- Zack saying being Republican in LA is a “death sentence” and “social suicide” gave me a good chuckle. Sure, LA is a liberal city, but as a native New Yorker I know for a fact that Republicans are everywhere. It’s hardly that dramatic. Especially on Bravo, where the majority of cast members are of a certain generation and tax bracket, I can pretty much guarantee the vast majority of them are Republicans.