Reality show fights fall along a massive spectrum. On one end, there are the actual battles, the friendship and family-destroyers that take up seasons at a time, like Melissa vs. Teresa on Real Housewives of New Jersey. On the other, there’s kayfabe, where both combatants understand that they are here to spar a little, move the plot along, and shake hands, like pretty much anytime Luann and Ramona butted heads on Real Housewives of New York City.
A great reality show features a mix of both, and a cast that knows the difference. After a relatively quiet start to its run, The Valley’s second week delivers with a veritable smorgasbord of conflict that falls all over the spectrum and sets up the central tensions of the remainder of the season.
Jax vs. Kristen’s unborn baby: For the cameras
Kristen and Jax meet to hash things out at the Smokehouse. Jax bringing lifelong vegetarian Kristen to a steakhouse isn’t quite as bad as the time Tom Sandoval brought her to a Korean barbecue spot as an “apology date” during Season 2 of Vanderpump Rules, but it’s still not great.
Jax, who believes he can “spot a Kristen Doute disaster a mile away,” is nonetheless here to apologize for how he handled broaching the subject with her at Janet’s birthday. “I didn’t mean to firing squad you,” he says. What he really means is, “sorry I went overboard in making sure this topic would become a storyline and brought this conversation to every single person on the cast.” Kristen doesn’t understand why her male friends are weighing in on her motherhood journey. Jax reiterates that the couple aren’t on the same page about where to live or how to handle finances.
Both are seasoned professionals, saying what they have to say and moving on. Jax’s apology for how he discussed his opinions but not the opinions themselves is a classic reality refrain, and Kristen has been in this game long enough to know that sharing’s one opinion is exactly what they are all paid to do. It’s a quick, no-muss, no-fuss resolution.
Jax vs. Luke: Real, but unsustainable
The deeper issue at hand — and one that Kristen won’t let go of so easily — is Jax’s clear ambivalence toward Luke. “I want you to start treating him like he’s my forever,” Kristen tells Jax over her house salad and Tito’s Arnold Palmer. “Does anyone even know where he’s from, or his last name?” (From Jax’s blank stare, we can surmise that he does not.)
Jax, who says he has seen many a man come into Kristen’s life then leave because they “need therapy after,” argues that he’s in a tough position because he’s still friends with Alex Menache, Kristen’s ex. That might be true, but Alex is not on this cast, and Jax knows that he is contractually obligated to welcome Luke to the group. Jax pledges to learn Luke’s last name and “decides” to host a boys’ night for everyone to “get to know one another.” It’s a well-executed lead-in to a necessary cast event that inadvertently lays the foundation for the entire rest of the season, but we’ll get to that.
Michelle vs. Jesse: Far too real
The show’s worst couple — and on a cast with Jax and Brittany, that’s really saying something — are attempting to teach Isabella how to ride a bike. Jesse has not watched the “how to teach someone to ride a bike” YouTube video Michelle sent him, and unsurprisingly his “just put your feet on the pedals” strategy does not work on their tiny daughter, who runs away and hides behind a utility pole.
In a confessional, Michelle tells us that she didn’t realize Jesse had zero patience until they had a child. Jesse decides an effective way to counter this narrative is to share that Michelle is too patient with Isabella, bargaining and wheedling with her, while he simply yells at her. Dad of the year!
It should be noted that after Michelle comforts (and perhaps bargains with) Isabella, she decides she does want to try riding after all and does a great job. Point, Michelle. Just two episodes in, it could not be clearer why these two are getting divorced.
Danny’s pants vs. Jax: Just a plot device
Okay, this one’s not really a fight, as Danny could not care less. It’s only relevant because we learn by way of Nia’s continued annoyance at the pantsing that she’s dealing with the baby blues. Nia says she’s been “trying really hard” since her girls were born to keep it all together, but that sometimes it doesn’t feel like things will get better and that she spends a lot of her time crying. Is Nia overreacting? Yes. Is it totally understandable why, flooded with hormones and probably anxiety about her first big group filming day, she was pushed over the edge? Also yes.
Kristen’s honor vs. Jesse: Real, for Luke
Kristen may have started this one when she tried to cut in front of Jesse in line for tattoos and twisted his nipple when he wouldn’t let her, but as basically everyone points out in the rest of the episode, a woman twisting a man’s nipple is just not the same thing as a man twisting a woman’s. Kristen — whether it’s because she actually doesn’t care that much, or because years of disrespect on Vanderpump Rules have hardwired her to expect zero sympathy — laughs it off when telling Jax, then Luke, what happened. For once, someone has her back.
Jax is appropriately shocked when he first hears the story, but drops it right away when he brings the issue up to Jesse at their pathetically short “hockey game” with Jason. (Playtime: 4 minutes, 27 seconds. Gotta love that Bravo wink!) Jax points out that his pantsing of Danny was more of a “bro-on-bro” crime and Jason comments that a woman’s nipple should have a more “elevated position” than a man’s, but when Jesse claims not to remember the twist and says it’s not his style, they move on.
Luke, who looks like a doomsday prepper stranded on a desert island, takes it considerably harder. When Kristen tells him what transpired while the two are out for a run, he is PISSED. His face turns beet red and his jaw starts a-grindin’, only adding to the impression that an island sun has burnt him to a crisp. He spouts off about how this is unacceptable behavior that has crossed a line with him. “It’s so hot when you stand up for me,” Kristen coos.
At boys’ night (which Max Boyens is also at for some unclear reason — equally unclear whether this is pre- or post-Katie hookup), Luke confronts Jesse, who has shown up in a paunchy white tee and salmon shorts and orders a skinny margarita. Jesse tries the “I don’t remember” thing again. This doesn’t fly with Doomsday Broderick, who is standing by his woman. Luke tells Jesse in no uncertain terms to own up to doing it and apologize to both Kristen and him before they can be cool. Jesse agrees, and the two dap it out. In a confessional, Skinnygirl Lally says he’s not intimidated by Luke at all, and maybe he’s not, but it’s pretty clear who won this conversation.
The storyline works well to shed some more light on Kristen and Luke’s dynamic. It’s rare that we ever see men in the Vanderverse have their girlfriends’ or wives’ backs, and it’s striking that Luke doing the bare minimum on Kristen’s behalf has basically made him one of the most loyal partners in this cursed pantheon. Maybe he really is her forever. God knows she could use some romantic stability.
Luke vs. Jax (again): A drama-fishing expedition
As soon as Luke returns from domming Jesse, he is met with another unpleasant conversation: Jax’s announcement that he has invited Alex to boys’ night. It must be noted that everyone spent this episode telling Jax that this is a bad idea and that, in Jesse’s words, Jax is a child for pulling this stunt. Danny, who finds out moments before Luke does, shakes his head and tells Jax that while he may be friends with all his exes, there is no reason for any sane person to live that kind of life.
Jax, whose producer hat is firmly on, tries to sell Luke the story that he just wants everyone to get along and co-exist. (What are we, in high school? Do these people only have one singular friend group that must all hang out with each other at all times?) Of course, his true intentions come out seconds later when he tells Luke that he wants him to “have all the right stories” when it comes to Kristen and Alex’s demise.
Luke does not take the bait. He goes Castaway red again, and says he has no interest in getting to know Kristen’s ex. Based on all the stories he’s heard from her, he is “not going to be okay with a guy like that.” It’s not exactly clear what went down in the breakup — Kristen’s side of the story is that after her Vanderpump firing, Alex made her feel like a washed-up reality star, and seven breakups suggests a certain level of dysfunction — but whatever it was, it’s a trigger for Kristen.
Once he realizes Luke is not going to play ball, Jax backs off. I would hardly call this growth, but when you start as deep in the gutter as Jax Taylor did, it’s a pleasant surprise nonetheless. “Did I fuck up?” he asks, rubbing his face in faux-confusion as Alex — who, by the way, looks like a bridge troll of the fuckboy variety in his skinny white jeans and beanie — walks in the door. “I think I fucked up.” (Okay, I give Jax some credit for committing to the bit that he genuinely wanted Luke and Alex to meet for the sake of group harmony, and not for the sake of making good television.)
Not to be deterred, Jax and Alex have a conversation of their own, where Alex sure comes off like a guy who was prepped and ready to bitch about Kristen. Jax says Luke is “childish” for not entertaining a conversation, and Alex talks about how he lent Kristen money, let her live in his apartment rent-free for half a year, and sold her house for free. (Kristen also says he sold all her furniture and wrote it off, so I don’t know what to believe. But I don’t really care, because Alex is not a cast member of this show and as we are about to find out, he and Luke don’t even need to interact for things to pop off.)
Brittany vs. Kristen: A fourth-wall debacle
Luke may not have taken Jax’s bait, but Kristen very much does. That’s the power of the Lisa Vanderpump school of production — even if one cast member won’t pick up what you’re putting down, someone else will, and you can exit the situation (mostly) smelling like roses.
While boys’ night is going on, the ladies and Zack have gathered at Michelle and Jesse’s house. Brittany hilariously calls Jesse the most bougie person she knows besides Lisa, which is a little like saying the swim instructor at the local YMCA is the best swimmer you know besides Katie Ledecky. She also reveals that he is from Boston, and suddenly his desperation to be an alpha male coupled with the complete inability to dress makes sense. As someone who lived there for five years…yes offense.
Brittany is excited to take shots and get Nia drunk, and for a moment it seems like everyone will have fun together. Of course, they don’t. When Michelle asks if anyone has heard from their husbands, Brittany realizes Kristen is about to find out that Jax invited Alex, and decides it’s better to tell her first.
Kristen reacts as well as you would expect, which is to say: Not well, bitch. She rips into Jax via Brittany, unsure why it’s so hard for him to understand her boundaries. Brittany, who is stuck in the hetero hellscape where a good woman must defend her husband, no matter how big an idiot he is, says he has good intentions and just wants everyone to get along. Zack provides the comedic relief, as he chases a tequila shot with a margarita, rubbing his temples in the corner.
The gist of Brittany vs. Kristen is that Kristen sees the invite as a violation because she doesn’t want Alex around Luke, while Brittany thinks it plays by the book because Kristen isn’t at boys’ night. Brittany snaps that Alex actually “deserves” to be at boys’ night because of his preexisting friendship with Jax, who is going out of his way to include Luke. This is when Kristen really loses it, and says Jax is being malicious and “stirring shit up.”
“Are you not also stirring shit up?” Brittany screeches. (Usually, the answer is yes, but in this particular conversation I actually don’t feel like she has.) Lisa Vanderpump would be proud at the way Kristen’s reaction to clear provocation has somehow been twisted into her acting as the aggressor.
Of course, the fight isn’t really about whether Alex deserves an invite to boys’ night. The fight is about whether Jax has the right to invite Alex to a filmed cast event with the sole intention of stirring shit up between him and Luke, and whether it’s okay for him to use Kristen’s disastrous relationship as fodder for the show. Jax may well be better friends with Alex than he is with Luke, and that’s fine, but if we’re talking about who has more “right” to be film for The Valley, it seems clear that it’s the guy who’s actually part of the cast and being paid to be there.
As for Brittany and Kristen’s proxy war, we do not see its conclusion this week. Instead, an ominous black screen that reads “5 MINUTES LATER” flashes, and we cut to utter chaos. Nia is crying, Zack is bellowing “I NEVER SAID THAT, EVER, MICHELLE! EVER!”, and Kristen is yelling that Zack is scared because she told the truth. What truth? We’ll talk about it next week. Til then!
Balls and chains
- I’m really enjoying the production choice to film couples’ confessionals as well as individual ones. The difference between how Michelle talks about Jesse when she’s on her own vs. when she’s sitting next to him, for example, is striking.
- I was half expecting Jax’s Costco credit card to decline at Smokehouse, as it has so many times before. How far he’s come.
- Danny and Nia met at a church volunteering event, and I instantly need to know more. Are they Scientologists? Hillsongers? There are so many judgments I cannot make unless I know which church they belong to. Let us pray that some Bravo sleuth is on the case so we can fill in the gaps.
- We learn that Nia is a fourth-degree black belt in taekwondo. Once, when she was at Miss USA rehearsal, one of Trump’s creepy friends grabbed her around the waist and she put those skills to use and twisted his wrist into oblivion. Luke isn’t the only domme in the group!
- Jesse was wearing a KILLING IT tank at hockey, a sure sign of a guy who is not killing it.