After skipping last week due to a case of life-got-too-busy-itis, I’m back with another week of the RHONY Flop Rankings! This week, the girls head to Erin’s (tiny) house in Sag Harbor, we get to know Racquel and Rebecca better, and Ubah calls Brynn out.
Before we go any further, I should explain the highly scientific formula I use to evaluate Bravolebrities. Most important is how honest they’re willing to be — do they bare their lives and tell us what they really think, or are they committed to a persona? Next is how good they are at driving the plot forward. Good Housewives engage arguments directly, clock their castmates’ patterns with precision, reach resolve, and keep it moving; mediocre ones deflect, dodge, and drag things out. Least important is whether I personally like the Housewife or would be their friend — Tamra Judge is someone I hope to never encounter IRL, but man, do I love watching her.
Without further ado, let’s get to the rankings.
8. Most flop: Jessel
Barely in this week’s episode, Jessel lands at the bottom of the list this week. She looked great, but otherwise she was a nonfactor. I’m happy that she finally got gifted some actual sexy lingerie, though.
7. Racquel
This week, Racquel doesn’t do much of anything either, but she beats out Jessel because we learn some of her backstory. Racquel was a model during the ‘90s when she started collecting art, often facing resistance from gallery owners who didn’t want to sell to a Black woman. Over time, she amassed a collection that drew the notice of museums and galleries, which is how she got involved in private art curation. Cool!
My concern that Racquel is both too nice and too media-trained to be a good Housewife remains. She tells Erin that she drove to Sag Harbor alone because Sai and Ubah wouldn’t let her sit in the front seat of their car, suggesting that she take Dramamine instead. This turns out to be a misunderstanding: What actually happened is that Racquel wanted to drive Sai’s car to the Hamptons, but Sai thought Racquel was just making conversation about driving her own car. There’s not much there there to this mixup, but it would have been way funnier if Racquel had actually been mad.
6. Jenna
Most of Jenna’s screen time this week is devoted to mucking up things between Brynn and Sai, who are trying to hash out the game of telephone where Brynn told Jenna that Sai hated her.
When Sai reminds Jenna that she specifically identified Brynn as the messenger of this news, Jenna denies it and says “if I did, I don’t remember.” Thank you to the producers who rolled the tape of Jenna doing exactly what Sai said she did.
I don’t quite believe that she forgot, mostly because she says that she’s “not here to get [Brynn] in trouble.” Regardless, Jenna F*cking Lyons had better start taking notes, Jessel-style, because this is Housewives, honey. “Forgetting” doesn’t fly.
5. Rebecca
After two quiet weeks, Rebecca bursts onto the scene with some wild lore and finally makes her mark.
First, she shares that she once sneezed a diva cup out of her body, which I suppose is better than getting it stuck, but is horrific all the same. Then, she tells us that the night before she was supposed to move in with her first New York boyfriend, he dumped her and told her she was no longer welcome in his apartment. Unfortunately, she’d already given her room to someone named Brad, the guy she lost her virginity to at 16. Don’t worry — she was on birth control at the time, which her parents gave to her in exchange for a promise that she wouldn’t do drugs. Oh, and did you know that she still has the bedframe from the night she became a woman?
Individually, none of these stories are that out there. Accumulated, they are insane (complimentary). Of the entire cast, Rebecca seems the weirdest and the least camera-conscious thus far (also complimentary). It’s far too early to assess whether her kookiness will outweigh the troubling implications of her Scientology affiliations, but she’s off to a strong start.
4. Brynn
It’s still early, but it looks like Brynn — who has been at the center of all the conflict so far — is shaping up to be RHONY’s deflector-in-chief.
She and Sai try to patch up their confrontation from the premiere, but she’s unwilling to hear Sai’s side and offers a vague, blanket apology for “anything I ever did to hurt you.” She also gets into it with Ubah, who is frustrated by Brynn’s pot-stirring. Instead of engaging with Ubah’s grievances, Brynn picks at her tone and language instead, calling her “trashy.”
“That’s lowbrow fighting,” she simpers in a confessional. “I like smart arguments, just like I like nice clothes. ‘Where’d you get those, Nordstrom Rack?’ is a funny insult.” (Is it, though?)
The problem with Brynn is that she loves to stir shit, but doesn’t finish what she starts. She also tries to cover up her vulnerability by adopting a Heather Dubrovian focus on the procedure of an argument. Brynn would rather roll her eyes and deflect than have the uncomfortable conversation. This is understandable — last season, she shared that her tendency to run stems from a difficult childhood — but if left unchecked, can quickly become tiresome to watch. Let’s hope she snaps out of it.
3. Erin
The Duchess of Bitcoin snags the #3 spot purely because she tried her best to move the plot along this week. Not only did she immediately tell Sai that Racquel said she was forbidden from riding in the front seat of Sai’s car, she also tries to mediate Sai-hates-Jenna-gate, and pulls Ubah aside for a 1:1 after she confronts Brynn. Erin is quickly becoming this cast’s most prolific scene partner. She’s not very effective yet, but I give her points for trying. I guess.
Erin should also be commended for upleveling last year’s sad Pringles, creme fraiche and caviar food situation. However, she loses points for the smallness of her house. The OG cast never would have tolerated this much room-sharing. This is why RHONY works best with an older cast — by our late thirties, New Yorkers typically haven’t accumulated the wealth we need to live the Housewives lifestyle.
2. Sai
Sai is trying really hard not to come off as mean this season, and I hope that changes soon. For one thing, Sai is funny when she’s mean. Her crack that she has to forgive Jenna because “what can you do with an old lady who doesn’t remember things?” got a genuine laugh out of me. For another, Sai’s truest self seems to be a rude New Yorker, and you can’t keep a bad girl down.
Thankfully, Sai 2.0 isn’t afraid of conflict. When Erin tells her that Racquel felt snubbed, Sai clarifies the conversation immediately and pulls receipts that prove her lack of malice. She’s equally clear with Brynn — she wants to deal with their issues instead of just papering over them.
The Sai-Brynn tension is a familiar problem for New Yorkers, who are a people I would describe as “kind but not nice.” Sai’s blunt nature inevitably clashes with Brynn’s avoidant one, and leads to a complete stalemate. As a rude New Yorker myself, I am always going to prefer Sai’s style.
1. Least Flop: Ubah
Ubah takes on the lion’s share of the work this week by giving us an update on her personal life — Oliver wants her to move in! Commitment freaks her out! She loves feet! — and also calling Brynn out.
Jessel correctly points out that some of Ubah’s resentment is residual from last season, when Brynn spilled the beans on Ubah’s relationship before she wanted the information out. But Ubah also describes Brynn’s pattern to a tee: stoking conflict between castmates she’s having issues with so she can act out her grudges without being on the frontlines. And she’s right that this group is constantly playing telephone. Half the conflicts happen off camera, and are only referenced in enigmatic terms that make no sense to viewers, like the Great Cheese Fight of 2023.
Ubah’s greatest utility this season will hopefully be forcing the group to face things (truly, anything) head-on. This is not a woman who lets go of things just to make nice, and on Housewives, that’s a great thing. Let’s pray that Ubah Hot is exactly who this cast needs to break through the pretense.