Welcome back, little Pumptinis! It’s summer in Los Angeles, and that means Vanderpump Rules has returned to our televisions. Last season, the Scandoval — the explosive affair between Sandoval and Raquel (Rachel? I honestly don’t know what we should call her) — propelled the show to global notoriety. Just three months after an out-of-control reunion, cameras are back up. How will this group, who seem irreparably fractured by the affair, pick up the pieces?
We start with Ariana, who is looking toward the future. She’s eager to sell her and Sandoval’s Valley Village home, and has gone no-contact with her ex. The two only communicate through his assistant Ann, whose job includes gluing Sandoval’s penis flute back together and defending his “freedom of speech.” Katie and her cunty new bob come by to pick up Ariana to thrift teacups for Something About Her, their Nancy Meyers-inspired sandwich shop. We learn that not only are Raquel and Sandoval still talking, they are sending lightning-bolt postcards and long-distance lamps to each other.
Scheana and Brock are in parent mode, teaching their daughter Summer Moon how to spell her name. Scheana, fresh off an OCD diagnosis and Zoloft prescription, has had Sandoval on her mind since his childhood friend Ali Rafiq passed away. Brock feels bad that Sandoval is so isolated, and it turns out the whole group — even Ariana — sent condolences after Ali’s death. Sandoval has ignored them all, going so far as to block all of Scheana’s Instagram accounts, even little Summer Moon’s.
James and Ally have moved into a new home, where there is not much to report. Ally still seems far more patient than she has to be, and James still seems triggered by the Scandoval, which has activated his deep-seated fear of being ostracized from the group, otherwise known as reduced screen time.
Next, we head to Lala in Westwood. Lala’s mother and brother have moved from Utah to help raise her daughter Ocean. Her custody battle continues to drag on, a reminder of just how dark things got in her last relationship. The Vanderpump fanbase has historically blamed Lala for her own abuse, but as she talks about all the unprocessed trauma she’s put aside so she can fight for Ocean, it seems clear that whatever mistakes she made in the past, she has paid for them a thousand times over. I have my gripes with Lauren from Utah (her fetishization of Blackness needs to stop, and I haven’t forgotten her treatment of Faith Stowers), but I will always root for her to get free of her violent and predatory ex.
Finally, we check in with Schwartz, who is feuding with Sandoval and turning to houseplants (and beetles) for comfort. His apartment is a disaster, with boxes strewn everywhere and furniture crammed into rooms. It seems Schwartz has since released his buggy friends into the streets of Los Angeles, so let us all say a prayer that they are not some sort of invasive super-species.
Forgiveness, or a lack thereof, is the primary theme of this week’s episode. We are subjected to a scene with James and Schwartz, two people who would not be hanging out if either one was speaking to Sandoval. James is allegedly sober while hitting a dab pen 24/7 and chaining double espressos, and Schwartz lays the dopey nice-guy act on thick as he waxes poetic about missing Ariana. It’s forced, awkward, and a relief when we cut away.
We were never going to be able to deal with the fallout of the Scandoval without breaking the fourth wall, and this week’s episode firmly situates us in this new reality. Lala says she doesn’t care about putting Ocean on the show; Schwartz reveals that angry fans have been showing up to Schwartz and Sandy’s to harass staff; Ariana tells us she blocked Schwartz after a Watch What Happens Live appearance where he encouraged viewers to “give Sandoval a hug.” When the cast comes together for a DJ James Kennedy set at TomTom, Ariana makes it crystal-clear she will not be making nice with Schwartz for the sake of the show. And why should she? The man is pathologically incapable of a real apology.
These flashes of reality are refreshing, but it seems the producers haven’t yet figured out how to balance them with the necessary machinations of making television. At TomTom, Lala pulls Lisa aside to share that she is feeling some sympathy since seeing Raquel’s tearful admission that she was terrified to betray Sandoval. I believe there’s a grain of truth here, mostly because I saw the same animal fear in Raquel that Lala did. Still, it’s jarring that we are meant to believe that Lala just happened to decide to reach out to Raquel at the season’s first group event while producers were actively working to get her back on the show.
The other women understand exactly what is happening. At girls’ night, they barely react when Lala reveals she texted Raquel. It’s nice to see even Ariana acknowledge Raquel’s isolation — after all, if anyone should understand what it’s like to be against the world with Sandoval, it’s Ariana. She isn’t exactly thrilled, but the speed with which everyone gets over it shows that by now, the women understand that the game is the game. These are professionals who know what their job demands, and they keep it pushing. This female unity will doubtless be short-lived — Lala-Katie tension has already been teased, and much has been made of Scheana’s comments about how hard the Scandoval was for her — but it’s lovely, even for a moment, to see them all getting along. A tiny, perhaps delusional piece of my heart wants the women of Vanderpump Rules to dig deep this season and recognize the ties that bind them all (yes, even Raquel), but maybe that’s too much to ask.
It’s going to be interesting to see how the show toes the line between reality and entertainment. In our current timeline, we already know that Schwartz and Sandoval are BFFs again, that Raquel cut Sandoval off in September, and that Scheana and Lala are still tight enough with Ariana that they both attended Chicago opening night. What we don’t yet know is how we got there. There’s always a danger that a reality show will devour its own tail, but if Vanderpump figures out this balancing act, this could be the best season yet.
Last calls:
- No matter how hard she tries, the TomTom loading dock will never give what the SUR back alley was giving.
- In case you missed it, Katie got her wish: Not only did Sandoval cry on Special Forces: World’s Toughest Test, he was also fireman-carried by Jojo Siwa.
- The editors are GUNNING for that Emmy. Between the slo-mo walkups, the Ariana/Sandoval montage, and clipping between Ariana dancing at TomTom and “I don’t give a fuck about fucking Raquel!”, they are feeling themselves. They’re doing the most, but they haven’t failed us yet, and I have faith they’ll figure it out.
- Schwartz calling out how the fanbase has raised Ariana to “exalted status” and made her the “patron saint of scorned women” was a prime example of right message, wrong messenger. We are long overdue for some honesty about the unrealistic pedestal the public has placed Ariana on, but it is laughable that Schwartz, who along with Sandoval tried to paint Ariana as a neglectful, selfish partner last season, should have any part in that conversation.
- I’m #TeamAriana, but I didn’t love how she compared her situation to Lala’s. As bad as the Scandoval was — and it was very, very, very bad — Lala’s custody battle with a man she will be tied to for the rest of his or her life via their daughter simply has higher stakes. In Charli’s words, it was distasteful.