Usually, a new reality show needs some time for the cast to establish their personalities and arcs and for the group dynamics to reveal themselves. Not so in Rhode Island. While every episode reveals freshly harrowing tidbits about each clam — Alicia is a crazy doll lady! Jo-Ellen’s mother loved her sister more than her and sent her to one of those torture camps for troubled teens! — the cast came roaring onto the scene as fully-formed personalities, each demented and powerful in their own beautiful ways.
Now, just six episodes in, resident kept woman Kelsey Swanson has broken up with her sugar daddy, but not his bank account. At this rate, Rulla will be divorcing Brian before cameras pick up for Season 2. I couldn’t ask for more. Let’s get into it:
7. Ashley
After an episode where she did nothing but let Kelsey cut her hair and listen to Rosie cry about how the rest of the group hates her, Ashley finally activates. Her masked-dinner confession is hilarious: She had no sob story to tell during her stint on The Bachelor, and her lack of trauma stresses her out because she knows that one day she will have some. Then, when Kelsey zings Rosie for her inauthenticity, Ashley steps in. We’ve yet to see the resolution of Kelsey interrupting Rosie and Ashley’s post-dinner debrief, but it looks like Ms. Random may have grown a spine.
Ashley is, academically, Housewifing well. She’s well-attuned to the group dynamics, clocking that her long-term future on RHORI depends on branching out from Rosie and working hard to bond with the other women. But her lack of star power can’t make up for her savvy. I simply forgot she was on the Newport mansion trip until dinner, the same way I forget she’s even on the show whenever she’s not in my eyeline.
6. Rulla
Occasionally, a Housewife is so terrible at their job that they horseshoe back around into greatness. Rulla, who clearly knows Brian is having an affair and simply doesn’t want to engage with it on camera, might fit this category. She doesn’t have any control over the situation — Brian’s mistress is a wildcard, and I agree with Jo-Ellen’s assessment that he’s fine with these antics because he wants to force Rulla to be the one to leave. She’s equally trapped by her unwillingness to lean into the chaos and ask the group for support. So instead, she flees. The Newport mansion weekend is the second cast trip she’s opted out of, and I wouldn’t be surprised if producers had to cajole her to return to filming.
I want to see Rulla and Brian’s marriage fall apart onscreen, so I’m glad to see her make her return in the midseason trailer. And her unblinking denial of anything untoward in the face of tomes of evidence is such delusional housewifery it’s starting to feel iconic. But if she continues to avoid the cameras, Bravo may have to snatch her clam away.
5. Kelsey
Kelsey has bucked Bravo tradition from the get. Admitting to being a sugar baby with a side piece is something Gretchen Rossi has yet to do. Kelsey’s radical transparency about her journey from kept to sort-of-independent woman — her ex is paying for her health insurance, car, and rent, which is a nice gesture and might even be more than Alicia will be able to get out of Billy when that marriage implodes — should secure her another season or two at the least.
But going after Rosie shows bad long-term instincts. Kelsey’s motivations make sense — she’s obviously furious that she’s abdicated so much of her power to her ex, and Rosie has no interest in praising her and patting her on the head like the rest of the group. Whacking Rosie is just a (misguided) way for Kelsey to reclaim herself, and I doubt she’ll be able to hold her own. Rosie will go to the gutter when she’s backed into a corner. We already know that later this season, she’ll call Kelsey a “slam pig” and accuse her of sleeping with a stable of married men. If Kelsey has any skeletons in her closet that she doesn’t want outed, Rosie is not the one to go after.
4. Rosie
After a few weeks of devoted shit-stirring, Rosie spends these episodes on her back foot. She’s struggling with the group, and tells Rich she has anxiety every time she has to be around them. While she’s able to smooth things over with most of the cast, her feud with Kelsey isn’t going away. Kelsey is a woman obsessed — she’s mad at Rosie for not posting a picture of her hair after Kelsey cut it, accuses her of lying about why she left her newscaster job, and of exaggerating the square footage of her house extension. And when Rosie’s upset at Kelsey’s obviously backhanded “compliment,” no one stands up for her. (Except for Ashley, so…no one.)
Usually, being isolated from the group is a recipe for irrelevance. But Rosie’s pathological need to get under her castmates’ skin will keep her front and center for a long time to come. She’s perceptive, unafraid to start shit, and will rise through the ranks over the next few weeks as she shifts from defense to offense. And how can you not love a Housewife who says things like, “I went on medical leave because I couldn’t stop bleeding out of my butt. Why would I say that when I could say that I got fired?”
3. Jo-Ellen
Jo-Ellen’s brutal reads — “Does Brian look like he goes to the gym?” — and dogged devotion to shit-stirring are what I come to Bravo for. I ascended to a higher plane when she drunkenly whispered in Rulla’s ear like a Mafia don: “If you want proof, I’ll figure it out.” I believe she will, and that like Lisa Barlow before her, she will go the distance.
But I worry about her standing in the group. Though everyone clearly knows that Jo-Ellen’s assessment of Rulla and Brian’s rotting marriage is correct, they also want her to let it go. Both Liz and Alicia tell her that going after someone who is obviously going through it and has chosen to forgive her cheating husband is just kicking someone while they’re down. Even Kelsey tells her to stop talking about Rulla when she’s not present.
Jo-Ellen’s path forward requires her to thread a tricky needle. I will always side with a Housewife who delights in exposing secrets, even if her motives are less than noble, but Rullala could easily win the sympathy of the group. Jo-Ellen will have no problem unearthing enough information to prove her point. The jury’s still out on whether she can deploy it with enough delicacy to maintain her veneer of empathy.
2. Liz
Liz runs the show even when she isn’t engaged in battle herself. She referees Jo-Ellen and Rulla’s polo dustup, revels in acting as Kelsey’s wise older sister figure, and seems neutral-to-pleased that Rosie and Ashley are afraid of her. This in-charge instinct translates to how Liz manages her and her castmates’ images: She tries to correct Alicia when she calls herself “homeless,” explaining in a confessional that she doesn’t want her friend to come off privileged, and tried to orchestrate a sea-wall scene with Gerry and Dino to quash the rumors of her affair.
This camera-awareness is usually a negative on Housewives. But we’ve already seen Liz lose her cool, and her very association with Dino, a guy who is facing multiple felony charges, give me hope that she won’t be able to maintain whatever facade she may be trying to uphold. In any case, the rest of the group clearly perceive Liz as their leader. Except for maybe Jo-Ellen and Alicia, no one seems to want to challenge her, everyone is afraid to activate her, and what she says goes. Maybe the veneer will crack eventually, but for now, Liz is Mother Superior.
1. Alicia
There are two ways to reign supreme on Housewives. One is to be an undeniable plot driver, like Tamra Judge or Gizelle Bryant. The other is to be so endlessly watchable that your very presence is captivating, like Lisa Barlow or Sonja Morgan. Alicia falls into the latter category, making me laugh every single time she’s on screen. “Billions of years ago, every girl, most of them, just connect with baby dolls,” she intones at her tea party. “I love a horse!” she repeats over and over at the polo.
Maybe I just love to hear Alicia speak. But she’s also got a strong personality, plenty of personal drama waiting in the wings, and is maybe the only clam who’s in a good place with every single other person in the group. Alicia has such deep, longstanding ties with the group, and is such a space cadet and flip-flopper, that even when she does eventually get entangled in a feud with higher stakes than calling Rosie a “hoooo-ah!”, the group will probably wave it off as Alicia just being Alicia. There’s no better position to be in.