Occam’s razor states that the simplest explanation is usually the best one. This is a maxim that reality stars would do well to remember when they’re trying to lie. Too often, we’re treated to an explanation about how they couldn’t possibly have done such an such awful thing; their accuser must instead be embroiled in a conspiracy to “take them down”. Nine times out of ten, the reality is simply that they did do the thing, didn’t want anyone to ever know, and are now panicking that they’ve been found out. Nine of those nine times, the lie could not be more obvious. In this cast, there may be no one who needs to be reminded of this more than the former Mrs. Lally.
Welcome back, Vallerinas. It’s week seven, and we’ve officially entered that magical phase of every reality season when the narrative seeds that have been planted are starting to bloom. Finally, the plotlines that Jax and Kristen worked to set in place — and a few that I’m sure they would rather have kept off camera — are rolling down the narrative hill.
We open back at Jax’s curséd hair-loss dinner, where an infuriated Michelle has ordered everyone to sit down so she can speak. For one wild moment, I thought she might actually say something interesting, but she flops yet again and only wants to know who told Kristen that Jesse said he would be filing for divorce. Jesse declares to the table that Kristen “does not need to be a part of this group any more.” At group events it’s either Michelle and Jesse on the invite list, or Kristen.
Jax, Brittany, and Zack make faces (as did I). Not only would there be no show were it not for Kristen’s unstoppable chaos, but excluding her from the group will only make her more relevant. Amateur move, Lallys. Considering Kristen’s outbursts have been the most interesting part of this season so far, my hopes are not high for what the rest of the crew will be able to bring without her.
At Jesse and Michelle’s house the next day, the unhappiest couple in Los Angeles are drinking some truly gross-looking green sludge smoothies. Jesse’s M.O. seems to be presenting a united front with Michelle while they’re with the group while the little gears in his head turn in private, and even he has realized that Kristen’s incessant invocation of “secrets” may mean that his wife is, in fact, hiding things from him.
It’s not just Kristen who’s making him wonder. Apparently, Michelle used to get upset at Jesse for putting his phone facedown on the table. Now, she’s the one who keeps her phone facedown, hiding any would-be notifications from errant secret boyfriends. She’s also gone from posting multiple Boomerangs of cheersing margaritas with the girls to no social media activity at all on the nights she goes out without Jesse. In present day, Michelle — who can’t even look him in the eye — is sticking to her story: She’s never stepped out, she’s always been honest, and she has no idea why Kristen is so fixated on their marriage. Okay!
Despite Michelle’s best efforts, the rest of the group is trying to get to the bottom of the rumors too. Janet spins a tale that she’s upset that she knows information they shouldn’t, but really she’s upset because no one has told her all the dirty details. “I feel guilty even hearing bits of this,” she sighs to Jason, in a worse pantomime of sincerity than even Michelle mustered up.
Blessedly, Janet begins to use her powers for good when she and Jason head over to the Cauchis’. By the way, Brittany is wearing glasses because in the chaos of last night, Jesse may have scratched her eye. It feels like everyone’s really breezing by how volatile Jesse is, but I guess when you’re united against a common Kristen, all bets are off.
Jax insists Kristen started the rumor, but Janet heard Brittany is the one with the firsthand details. Miss Kentucky Muffin says in a confessional that whether or not she knows something, she won’t reveal anything because she is not involved. If I wasn’t sure before, I am now — Michelle has, or had at some point in time, a secret boyfriend. We need production to spring him on Michelle and Jesse, Miami Girl-style.
On the other side of town, Kristen is also avoiding the simplest explanation when it comes to why the group is pissed at her. Jax and Jason take Luke out bowling, where they explain why it looks like Kristen is going after Jesse’s family. Luke, who can only say so much to defend Kristen without breaking the fourth wall and reminding Jax and Jason who brings the drama to this show, admits he can understand the root of everyone else’s concerns even though he doesn’t condone Jesse’s aggression toward his girlfriend. Diplomatic king.
Luke’s attempt to relay this to Kristen goes over like a lead balloon. She has an unfortunate tendency to blurt out secrets when she’s backed into a corner, and sometimes she mixes that information up. Take the divorce comment — Jesse said that Michelle was probably going to leave him, not the other way around. “That’s where people call you a liar,” Luke gently explains. “A word has changed with different implications. Do you follow?”
She does not. Something in Kristen’s soul has shut down, and she slouches like a child admonished by a parent. “Words are hard,” she mumbles. Luke keeps trying: He wants Kristen to stop saying “I’m sorry, but —”, and for her to take complete ownership if they’re going to move forward. Poor Kristen, who is already spinning out, now has to face her fear of being left by a man she — if we’re being honest — settled for in the first place. “If?!” she asks in a confessional. “Don’t ever say if. Are we a joke? We’re planning a family and future. Say ‘when’ we move past this.”
This is the true tragedy of Kristen Doute. All her triggers are real, based in historical experiences where she actually was the wronged one. Her old wound rears its head again as she insists that “they know exactly what they’re doing. When you’re terrified about the skeletons you have, all you have to do is push it onto Kristen.” It’s unclear whether she’s talking about Michelle, or Janet, or Ariana, or Sandoval, but whatever it is, Kristen is deep in her triggers and not hearing a thing Luke has to say.
The problem is that she is unwilling or unable to articulate any of this. “I think we’ve nipped this in the bud,” she says, desperate to end the conversation. Poor Luke, who is totally bewildered by her stonewalling. “We have to talk about how to progress,” he tries again.
“Let’s just work through this,” Kristen mutters, refusing to meet his gaze. “We can do this.” Luke turns away, and on his face is the expression of a drunk man who’s just dropped his keys into a storm drain at 3 a.m., ten miles from home. Let us pray for these two.
Not to be outdone, Jax and Brittany’s terrible relationship closes this week out. First, we endure a “soul gazing” session that Jax organizes for them with a “tantric sexpert” who claims she will help them rediscover their intimacy and have more orgasms. “That’s uhmaaayzing!” Brittany brays. (Does anyone else feel like Brittany’s Kentucky drawl is getting stronger by the episode? It’s going the way of the sheriff’s hat from Scary Movie 3.)
Then, it’s finally time for a date night. Of course, it’s only after Brittany’s mother (AKA free childcare) has left, and to make matters worse, I’m pretty sure Jax…took her back to the Mondrian. Deliver Brittany, and us, from this.
The subject quickly turns to “their” bar and the baby that Brittany wants to have. Jax, who clearly does not want a second child right now, isn’t sure whether it’s a good idea to get pregnant when all their focus needs to be on Cruz’s speech issues and their businesses. Unfortunately, it’s Brittany’s first time hearing any of this, and she starts to cry, shocked to learn that Jax is no longer on board with a plan they made a year ago.
Jax handles this in his classic Jax way: poorly. “Stop crying,” he snaps at her. “I can’t even have an emotion?!” Brittany protests. “No, you can’t,” Jax retorts, descending fully into Nasty Jax territory. Things go from bad to worse, and in no time at all, Jax storms out.
It’s a vintage Jax vs. Brittany fight, and it reveals so much of what’s not working in their relationship. Jax has some valid points, but he is so mean and aggressive with Brittany that it’s impossible for me to separate his real concerns from the disgust with which he communicates them. And Brittany is too beaten down by Jax’s endless sniping to hear it any other way: He thinks she’s a bad mother. (This would have been a great time for the editors to roll the clip of Jax telling a hungover Brittany to “act like a mother,” by the way.)
Brittany also seems near the end of her rope when it comes to fluffing Jax’s ego. For years, Jax held the power in the relationship: His show, his friends, his city, his life. He likes feeling like “a man,” and part of feeling like a man is calling the shots. But as we learned on Vanderpump Rules this season, Brittany has outearned Jax for a few years now, and it makes sense that she’s chafing at all the ways he cuts her down. “He doesn’t appreciate me and doesn’t care to make that effort anymore,” Brittany tells us. “That stopped a while ago.”
As we move into the second half of the season, I can’t help but wonder whether any of our cast will decide to just get to the point and say what’s on their minds. I give Michelle a bit of a pass because she’s so new at this, but Kristen, Jax, and Brittany are seasoned and should know better. With only five episodes left, we need the people in conflict with one another to start talking to each other instead of to everyone else. Everyone cross your fingers and pray that time comes soon.
Balls and chains
- I enjoyed Jason’s lament that ever since Janet quit her job, she’s been “talking gossip nonstop.” Jason’s feelings about his wife’s new profession seem ambivalent at best, but a gossipmonger is a crucial part of any reality television show. Let’s hope Janet leans into her messiness and stops trying to pretend to be above it all, stat.
- We took a brief detour from Infidelitygate to check in with the calmer sides of the cast’s lives. Kristen and Luke go to the fertility doctor, where they are relieved to find out she still has five follicles pumping out eggs. Nia FaceTimes Danny’s sister Sally, who dealt with PPD herself. Sally takes approximately 1.3 seconds to clock that Nia’s period of sadness has lasted longer than regular degular baby blues, and Nia seems relieved to have permission to apply this “heavier label” to what she’s experiencing.
- If Jesse, Michelle, Danny and Nia’s dinner was an indication of what this group is going to look like post-Kristen, we are in trouble. Nia tells Michelle in her Valley Pollyanna way that she simply has too much going on to care about her drama with Kristen. Fair enough, but if she and Danny continue to be too busy to get involved in the drama, I need her to be demoted to “friend of” in favor of someone messier.
- As much as Jesse and Janet are serving flop energy, I did laugh at the montage of them babysitting. Jason — who a few episodes ago wondered out loud whether a baby would change he and Janet’s lives that much — has his hands full with Cruz, a whirling dervish who won’t stop running around, throwing food, and trying to climb out of his crib.
- Did anyone else think that Jax’s “LOVE IS BLIND” t-shirt was a jab at Brittany, especially after she’s told him multiple times that she doesn’t feel desired by him? Maybe I’m giving him too much credit for even being able to put together an insult like that.